monday January 22, 2007

The weather has broken- it’s near warm out. Backing off the down jacket, the 5-layer burrito Cameron to the good old-fashioned t-shirt-and-jacket so cal winter uniform.

The bart trains are suddenly packed at 6:30am. The shala is more and more full. We had a shala gathering at my place yesterday, which was outstandingly pleasant. Good folks, good food, goodness all around.

Conversation with Neti yesterday proved soothing- just what the doctor ordered. Thank God for good friends.

Sunday practice was a study in pushing through laziness. Practice this morning was a study in preventing the wicked monkey mind from destroying my breath. More mad dreams, more strange sleep. The magic bed has plugged me in to a whole new channel…the c channel. Late night cable programming to surprise and stimulate my brain. And heart. And stomach. A prana preview for the coming day: here’s how it’s going to work when you wake up- hold on!

Keep it together Thrash.

Eyes open January 19, 2007

Eyes open
She said,
“Now you will always have
open eyes,
even when you’re sleeping.”
The Great Lord
Ganesha
lying on my arm
living on my arm
staring out at me
at you
at the searching princess
who touched him
in adoration
each morning,
dragging her
fingers
down his face,
my arm
exclaiming
“It’s beautiful.”
Eyes open
the future awaits
there, in the distance
your face?
your intention
your love…
haunting eyes
like yours,
those of the great
protector
Ganapati
At once alive
present
purposeful
becoming a living
trust
of our truth
our new path
our shared
existence.

Push it back January 17, 2007

Super early practice this morning. I was surprised at how easy it was to get out of bed.

On that note, I think I have a magic bed. It’s brand new and sleeping on it now brings a cornucopia of vivid, easily remembered, intense dreams. I’m not normally a dreamer (when I’m sleeping anyway)- if I dream they don’t stick. Not the last couple weeks. There’s a lot of material in there. The other day I dreamed up a facility for treating contaminated ocean water. Ok, I’m a nerd. Fine. Not to worry- there’s some quite spicy stuff too. Just don’t want to put any x-rated garb on the blog just yet.

Eka pada is getting noticeably easier, in spite of the season. I’m not used to making many strides in the winter. Perhaps it’s just a matter of getting used to this.

The doldrums of my last post were more illuminated later in the day. Small sentences can do wonders. Negative feedback loops can accelerate things very quickly. Things are more colorful now, more ‘normal.’ Though distinctly different. The same places and sights, but everything…feels different, foreign. A good thing? One day at a time. I’ve got this big fat gun I’m looking to jump. I sit like a stubborn child forced to wait to play until it stops raining, staring out the window, watching for blue sky.

Back to work kid. We got lots to do. So let’s do it well and we’ll play when we’re done.

Eight moons January 15, 2007

Slowly I’m getting back to full strength. Practice was nice this morning. I think helped mainly by the fact that my six am walk to the bart was much more insulated than normal, thanks to a new jacket. My back is getting more and more open again. Not anywhere near my max of early last year, but slowly coming around.

The vulnerability is no longer scary. This is good.

A confrontation with my past last night is still washing through me, and I’ve discovered all kinds of emotions that I wasn’t previously aware of. I let practice today be a catalyst for accepting the new world I woke up to. I’ve not felt this strange in a long time. Nothing looks the same, feels the same, smells the same. It’s like I’ve been transported to a duller, more grey version of the world that I’ve inhabited for the last year; like everything is covered in charcoal, and there is something very clearly missing: hope. Today I’ve been pushed through a wormhole to a world that I don’t really like. It feels so empty. Damn. Well, I did it to myself, and I can honestly say that this probably needed to happen, but I’d really rather not be here. But this is what it is, and I have no choice in the matter. So acceptance will be the word of the day. Moving on….

In the new year January 11, 2007

Been back for a week and a half. The disorientation before leaving remained waiting for me on my return. These last days back have been about getting a sense of perspective, timing, rhythm. Every week is crazy now, no matter if I have classes or not. My paper is finally in press, the patent is pending, and now there is serious, almost too serious, discussion of a spinoff company. There are press releases and marketing talks and conferences and more and more. Every day is something new and I find myself a little overwhelmed. There is very little established rhythm to return to. It’s all different every week.

So I make lists. I set goals. I try to find a focal plane. I get up. I practice. At least there I have consistency, normalcy. I can stand on the moments after savasana and step forward from there, whatever the Universe is going to bring me. It’s fabulous and exciting and more than I ever expected right now. I try to remember the breath.

My time away was just enough to remind me that I love it here. Just enough to let go, just enough to remember what it felt like to have my head up. Family, friends, new friends…time. Just enough to let something resurface that seems will not leave, no matter what I do.

Time has washed many a grief away, many a tear. Last year was the hardest I’ve ever lived, no question. This was the first New Year’s Eve that I stood, listening to the crowd count down, and at the end, felt a wave pass through me, moving me on, moving me forward.

I got the courage to do something I’d been thinking about for half a year. The results were…dubious. The swell in my chest that followed has finally burned out due to the cold. It’s finally winter for sure here, and the cold has started to bite.

In the back of my mind
We’re still kissing
In the stolen space behind
My sweet feelings for you
I can’t deny this life I am living
I can only hope to find
One more moment with you

All of this hell and high water
I am going through
I don’t understand
I’m just a man, just a man
Who wants you

In the back of my mind
We’re still touching
In the golden place inside
My sweet memories of you
Now you can’t deny
That night in the city
When all the stars aligned
And they gave me a better view

All of this hell and high water
I am going through
I don’t understand
I’m just a man, just a man
Who wants you, wants you, wants you

In the back of my mind
We’re still….oooohhhhhh
In the holy space between
The sun and the moon
Now you can’t just lie
And say you don’t want me
And give me those eyes
I see the truth

All of this hell and high water
I am going through
I don’t understand
I’m just a man, just a man
Who wants you, who wants you, wants you

In the back of my…mind
We’re still kissing
In the stolen space behind
My sweet feelings for you

-Troy Curtis, from “Songs for Girls Who Don’t Deserve Them”