Solo September 21, 2006

Awoke with a startle from a dream with a soul I’ve not seen in some time. You were more real than any memory. The alarm hadn’t gone off. Or if it had, I’d slept through it, if that’s possible. Still dark…not yet 6am…late, but I could still get to an early train for practice. Fast assemble disembark cruise walk to the station. Into the shala 15 min behind normal…not bad.

Didn’t have the strength for any more by janu A. Had to sleep in yesterday. First series only the two days before that. I’m worn.

Walking to lunch I saw a woman approaching 50 meters away…the face was- oh…my…God…(the sensation from my dream flooding me entirely)…really?

No it wasn’t you. Poor thing, I hope I was too far away for her to see my face during that transition.

Ten more minutes letting it wash off me. Your soul. There. Coating me. All over. Like you were right behind me. Right next to me. Just out of sight.

I thought I’d gotten past this.

On the bus home tonight two teenage lovers got into a fight. A physical fight. On the bus. Lovers. They were yelling at each other. Then she punched him. She screamed at him. He jumped her and held her down on the seat yelling in her face. She screamed back, struggling. Several people ordered him to get off her. The bus stopped. The driver came back. An old man stood up and said “Now, see der, dat der is LOVE! Dat’s love! Dat’s love. Den de’re gonna go kill each other.” The boy let the girl up, she kept punching him, tearing at his jacket, as they got out the rear doors. The bus drove off.

Now THAT’s love. Not that icky shit coating my brain. Not that poem sitting below. It’s the fight. The punches. The screaming. That’s how people stay together. Words and kisses and lovemaking and foot-massages and bubblebaths and chocolates and long hugs and dancing and open communication and songs and flowers and hope and all the kindness in the world won’t make a person stay with you, value you, cherish you. But violence crosses the brain. Violence cuts through the fear. Violence shows you you’re exactly what you fear you are. You no longer have anything to live up to, no longer anything to worry about- you’ve let yourself off the hook.

My version of love doesn’t live long in this world. An ice cube in boiling water. Fleeting tastes of harmony. Brushes with brilliance. A dream, nothing more.

But it is real as long as I stay there, dreaming- I get to feel it sometimes. You take me up on my offer when I’m laying unconcious, vulnerable…you love me back in that place. You slip into bed with me and smile that magnificent smile, eyes sparkling. And as long as I don’t wake, don’t go out into this world, don’t try to make it more than a dream, it’s real.

Four Moons Ago September 15, 2006

Your veiled
tiara
beckoned
from under
perfect hair
the shining diamond
of your
forehead,
a clouded vision
of ghostly
pre-emptive memories
running graciously
beyond the
scope
of your worried
mind.
How could I
resist,
how could
you ignore
a perfect puzzle
piece,
a doorbell ringing
signaling the
end of illusion
the beginning
of your
walk
from where I
lay
feeling
the most beautiful eyes
I’ve ever known?
Hands
shaking, tears
beginning
a last glimpse
of a butterfly
darting into her
future
searching princess
I wish you
happiness.

Sunday in Berkeley September 10, 2006

Raised myself from the bed for yoga because of one startling fact alone: I had forgotten my problem sets at the lab, so I’d have to get up and go get them anyway. May as well stop at the shala and do some asana first.

Half primary. Lotsa heat. Walking in when the room is full of bodies means it’s also like a steam room. I was sweating by the end of my third sun sal.

Worked at the lab for a while prior to leaving. Now captive, I do my problem sets.

2. a. How much water would be required to dilute 1L of 1M sodium hydroxide if water discharged to the sink must have a pH value below 9?

Anyone?

Well after about 20 minutes of calculations (for Mr. Stupid here), the answer is roughly 100,000 L. So don’t go pouring that concentrated sodium hydroxide down the drains unless you neutralize it first kids.

At least I had some fun last night:

All the grad-student Ashtangis I know are getting married. Me at the wedding.

At least at home I can bump while I calculate. Thank God for reggae.

Conservation September 7, 2006

Time is leaving me upside down. Things due, things going to be due, things that were due all bleed together with things that work and don’t, things that require thought, things that require action, and things that require patience. For every new bit I learn and remember, another bit falls out and another call I forget to return, another email I forget to reply to, another outlyer that should have my attention doesn’t.

Two engineering classes added to my research load is fucking me up!

A few mishaps this week in lab have set me back. My launch last Saturday was scuttled, as was my recovery attempt today. Sunday and Monday off screwed with my sense of time even more. Alas, the third attempt to put together a meaningful experiment comes tomorrow. And Saturday. And Sunday. I’m not sure they have weekends anymore around here.

Practice Monday in Santa Cruz on the dining room floor of a gorgeous old home. Tuesday I did a fruit fast. Wednesday practice was predictably lovely (from the fast), even though getting up was worse than it has been in a long time. Altho- backbends were not that great. Painful, actually. Hmmm. I’m noticing the energy draining out of my body. So many things I could get away with before have to be axed because of the new stress levels of my semester. Tomorrow, earlier start than normal (i.e. before 5:30).

Oh, and if there are any of you who read this blog and don’t read Neti’s, there’s some pix of he, Tiff, and I practicing at Tim Miller’s new shala space from two Sundays ago here.

Keeping the nervous system from being overloaded is going to be my primary challenge in the next 13 weeks.

Ole!

Saturday September 2, 2006

The sun is finally coming out at 11. The summer is officially dying here. Fall is on it’s way.

My new schedule is working quite well. It’s carless, it’s got a lot more walking, and for some reason feels more authentic than any way I’ve transpo’d before. I get up on the earlier side of 5:30am, walk to the bart, ride up to the North Berkeley station, and walk to the shala. The whole journey only takes 30 minutes. After practice I have a 5 minute bus ride to campus. Then in the afternoon, a 15 minute bus ride home. I’m psyched. So far, I’ve not needed a car for anything, believe it or not.

Jah.

I got to mari C yesterday and called it quits. I needed more sleep. So I crashed out in savasana for like 20 minutes after finishing poses. Awoke and had some of my teacher’s fabulous home made chai. I love Fridays- it’s all about the chai.

Wednesday and Thursday practices were good. I’m getting a little deeper into unassisted kapotasana than before. The body felt heavy this week.

Classes started. Aqueous Chemistry and Biochemical Engineering. Yea. On top of reasearch. So that would explain why I’m sitting in the lab today, the Saturday of Labor Day weekend, waiting for my stuff to get out of the autoclave so I can set up a new experiement. Which I will have to work on tomorrow of course. Maybe Monday in Santa Cruz.

Heavy? Indeed.

Prayers to the mothers I know battling cancer.
Prayers to the man and woman I know healing from bad bike accidents.
Prayers to those figuring it all out.

Om namo narayana