Crack dealer July 26, 2006

Tonight I have a friend coming over for a first taste of Ashtanga. Heh heh heh…muaah ha ha…. (picture mad grin, fingertips tapping together rhythmically in front of my mouth, eyes wide)

If this person gets hooked…it almost makes me laugh. And cry. I’ve introduced a lot of people to Ashtanga over the years, and certainly during my two years of teaching I saw a lot of people get sucked in. I look back on my own process and marvel at how much has been influenced and transformed in my life due to the method from the short Indian man in Mysore. This practice changes lives.

I’m have mixed feelings about introducing newbies. Part of me really wants people to try it, but part of me worries about what it could do to them. I mean, it’s one thing to start waking up at a different time, to maybe change your diet and such. But I’ve seen relationships go down the tubes, jobs get quit, etc. from the personal awareness that shows up. Of course, I think in all those cases it was the best possible thing, but you know- when your karma speeds up it’s not all shits and giggles. Lots of folks aren’t ready for that.

But for every person I’ve shown Ashtanga that’s stuck with it, probably four have dropped it after a brief flirtation. It’s too hard. It’s too disciplined. And it’s too ego bruising. So in this regard, it filters people on its own.

Separately, there have been many strange sensations lately. Emotional strings being pulled by a distant stubbornly persistent psychic connection, despite my efforts. Will I have to feel you forever? I hope not.

Chartment July 23, 2006

It’s hot enough that sleeping is challenging. Naked, on top of the bed, all windows open…still too hot. Forget any body contact. It’s like touching the surface of the sun. Growing up in the OC we ran the AC on nights like this. The heat makes it hard to let the body come down. Fortunately, it makes it easy for me to get up. Boing! 6am I luv ya.

My first mani (and surprise pedi) was AWESOME. My hands and feet look marvelous, if I do say so myself. Not that I can claim any responsibility- it was the delux spa treament. Seriously, my feet sat in a bubbling cucumber bath. My arms, hands, calves, and feet were massaged. By two different people at once! AND, I haven’t picked my nails in over a week. One day at a time baby. With princess days like Saturday as motivation, it’s going to be a lot easier.

I’ve been in Oakland for over two years now…wow. I’ve never lived in a house this long since I moved away from my childhood home to go to school.

New poses- practicing to ardha matsyendrasana now. 15 less minutes of sleep….

Surfing the cam July 19, 2006

My teacher has a new move. Well, he’s been doing it for a little while, but it’s getting really refined and I’m still amazed at it:
In supta vajrasana, he stands on my thighs the entire time. It’s very effective…and I am still impressed that he doesn’t ever lose his balance.

Lab picnic today, which is code for ‘day off.’ Nothing like a whole day in the sun after a good practice.

Deja vu has been happening with regular frequency lately. Very unusual.

Fantastic new conversation last night, followed by dream after dream of the replay. Very unusual. This week has been so warm that the evenings are very pleasant. Sitting outside under the lights, sweet jazz playing in the background, the visual stimulation was spectacular….

There is an eerie silence in my mind. It feels like the eye of a storm, or those amazing brief moments at the beach when no wave happens to be breaking and the sea is quiet. The visions I’ve held for what can or could or would be have dissipated, leaving me staring at the stark blank canvas of the next moment. A lapse in time. A conjured stutter. Memories float around me with the incense smoke, wistful and hollow. I know that now, finally, it is time to make new ones.

Two moons later…. July 17, 2006

Is it really the 17th already? I guess that means that two days ago it was the 15th. And I guess that also means that in three days it will be the 20th. Perfectly lodged between two event days, how pleasant.

Practice yesterday told me one thing- sitting in my car for long periods is bad for backbending (and every other kind of bending). A revelation, I know.

In any case, it sucked. First series, end. Plop. Rest of the day in the sun, staying hydrated, staying relaxed.

Today was the opposite. Lovely practice, lots of heat, lots of strength, lots of flexibility. Baddha konasana was knees down, chin down, belly on heels. The deepest ever, by far. No time in the sun, except for walking to lunch. : (

Current temperature outside: damn hot

Current state of the body: good, a little too large

Current state of the mind: um, what?

Current fingernail polish color: silver

Today is the first week where I will not pick my nails or cuticles. My good friend has set up a manicure for me on Saturday, and I have to get there without picking- we have a deal. She’s my Pickers Anonymous sponsor. I’m too old for this shit, and my hands have suffered long enough. Disgusting habit, right? I know, believe me. The only way I can prevent my subconcious attack on my fingers is to either tape them or paint the nails. I figure, why not spice it up a little?

Palanquin July 14, 2006

The sign-in sheet said “CHAI today, enjoy” written down the middle. I love my teacher’s chai. There’s no way you can have a bad practice when you have his chai waiting for you at the other end.

And so it went. First series days are much easier than full-practice days. Everything was a little less urgent. Things generally felt great.

Yesterday practice was the mirror image of Wednesday. Things flowed, things moved, things were on track. No forcing involved. Good back bending, good heat, good energy.

Words from my best friend have inspired a new approach, a reinvigoration of spirit, a return to something I’ve covered up in the last few weeks and forgotten was possible.

The ‘rents are in town this evening and I’m taking ‘em to my favorite wineries tomorrow. It’s been far too long since I’ve been to the wine country.

Transitive July 12, 2006

Two days off was not a good idea.

As my teacher said to me today while I was sitting on the floor, freshly dressed, putting my socks on after practice, “Full moon energy- it really takes it outta you huh?”

“Pttthhbbbbttt!” was my response.

Practice was hard. It was a chore. It was a gaping questioning hull of a mess demanding why I come here in the morning to do this to myself. At least I was thinking about that after I was into finishing poses.

Tears in baddha padmasana…. After feeling like I was forcing my whole practice, I tapped into something this morning that I’ve been avoiding: the circumstances of my breakup have left me terribly afraid. Afraid of not being good enough. I worry that I’m too fat, I’m too poor, I’m too ugly, I’m too unintelligent, I’m too whatever to keep a girl around. I worry that no matter what, if some other dude that’s hotter than me walks in the door, the next lady I’m with is just going to walk over and take advantage of that.

But worse, I realized it’s not just about the next lady I’m with. I found that I’m afraid of ANYONE I’m close to leaving me to fulfill their own desires with no thought to how it might affect me. I’m skeptical that anyone has personal integrity. And this makes me feel terrible.

Because I am loved, I am cared for, I am home. My friends are unbelievable in their dedication. But this is the magnitude of my disillusionment…and it has altered my world view. It has altered my behavior. The last few weeks I’ve been irritable, sometimes angry, but just generally unable to reach out, to give, to love. I look back on the heart space I was in after life took it’s turn for less pleasing paths and ironically I feel like I’ve taken many steps backwards since then.

It’s a good reminder of how fickle the human heart can be (as if I needed another). How can I blame others for losing integrity over their desires when I slip into disarray just because of pain? Grief must be the single most destabilizing force in the human consciousness.

After love, that is.

Weekhendz July 9, 2006

Little black shorts make every urdhva padmasana like a rainforest.

Slammed through a full practice today after not sleeping more than a couple hours last night. Sometimes that makes for the best practices, I’ve found. My back felt wonderful this morning, but the lack of sleep required a nap in the sun in the park in the city.

After good Indian food, of course. After a full morning watching the final. Egads! Let’s just say I’m glad I didn’t go to North Beach.

The weekend was very nice- home practice Saturday, shala today. Lots of time with friends- it felt like I pretty much lived in San Francisco this weekend. Which is nice as long as the FOG doesn’t come in.

I narrowly escaped it this evening. As Eddie Izzard says, “The fog moves down the road here faster than the fucking taxis!”

There’s nothing like a warm sunny San Fran day in the park, however, especially with lovely people and discussions about ancient lore. I got a couple of those on back to back days and I’m happy as a clam. Tomorrow, back to work.

Back-crackin fun July 6, 2006

Reflections from last night led me to a new place in practice today.

(by the way, go tell Neti HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY!!!!)

Chakra bandhasana is the litmus test for all things emotional, I’ve realized.

As my teacher brought my hands to my ankles, the recently familiar feeling of panic was quelled by mantra, rolling through my mind by force of will. First left, then right.

Pop. A shift. The normal shift. It always happens like this. Today- no problem. Tuesday, that was scary. Months ago, I thought nothing of it.

Deep breaths. My teacher grabbed my wrist again- this time, a hand’s width above the ankles. Next side. I got there, feeling the intense pressure, the bizarre disorientation, and actually had the time to think to myself that my mental twirlings from last night had worked.

So what has been different lately? I’ve been afraid of vulnerability. In fact I’ve actively been avoiding it. I’ve been putting up walls, keeping folks at a distance if only in my mind. In practice I’ve been fearful to surrender to adjustments that force me into very vulnerable positions (e.g. kapotasana) even when I knew that I’d done it hundreds of times before.

I stumbled upon this aspect of my practice through the back door of examining other recent motivations and behaviors that are uncommon for me. It was a landslide of information. A crack in the dam and then, kabluuwy! it all hits at once. Everything links together and makes sense.

And if I told you the precipitating event that led to all this examination, you’d laugh your ass off.

Well if you were a close friend of mine you’d laugh, otherwise you might blush and sit there with an uncomfortable half-smile wondering if you should laugh….

Who is this guy? Is he serious? Why does the room feel hot? Hey- I ordered a cheeseburger! What?

So it was nice to feel physical benefit from acquiring knowledge and understanding about my psyche. Now I look at it as a direct challenge…can I stay vulnerable? Do I need to? Have my wounds healed enough so that it’s healthy for me to push that boundary? Certainly around friends and family, I want to, yes. But others…?

Challenge. It’s like crack for this Aries man. I can almost never turn away, regardless of the odds of success. ESPECIALLY when it has an emotional element. I’m an emotionaut. Voyaging as deeply as I can. Awareness is the ever-beckoning carrot on the stick….

Jala July 3, 2006

So, now that it’s official, I can announce to the world that my teacher, Vance Selover, has moved into his own studio space. Hooray! It’s a beautiful room, with skylights and windows and newly re-finished fir floors. Wonderful.

My first day there was nice. It was a blue-collar practice. Grinding it out. Got through it, got open, got charged.

A new face or two, and considering that it’s a holiday week, I was very pleased to see so many people. I’m excited to see how many follow us to this new location. I’m very glad to be away from the commercialized, boutique yoga spa and in the new, more spartan mysore space.

Off to the lab. Got science.

Over to the west bay. Got tea. Got friends.

The pleasures of life can come so easily when you just ask….