Vertebrae with that? June 29, 2006

NO! Not happening today, no thank you.

My back was obstinate. Luckily, I was feeling bellicose.

I won. This time.

My teacher kindly stood by as I flubbed out of not one, but two kapotasana adjustments. I couldn’t tolerate them. But I basically wouldn’t tolerate giving up today, either, so on the third try, I got there. Ugh.

Ankles in chakra bandhasana- not pretty. Again, I simply refused to do less than what I was used to. Normally these days I have a massive aversion to pushing myself when I don’t feel good…not today. Today it was all about passing though discomfort to finish the job. Damnit.

And it felt great.

Shmaggle June 27, 2006

Burning, burning today. Awoke on fire, practiced with speed, early, next to my teacher (I said EARLY).

My back was sore, but it opened. Primary to navasana and then pasasana and onward. Back soreness…opening. Kapotasana, dare I say, felt good.

Stood up and did unassisted chakra bandhasana. My teacher was still practicing. Zipping through, feeling, fortunately, opened. And on fire.

Burning, and slowly letting the embers settle. Slowly letting the hype calm. My spine a conduit for the flame. A pipe with pure oxygen ignited from gaseous friction on the sides. Careful not to blow the top off….

No cameron extinguisher needed today. Smoldering at 5pm, a smile, a grin, a laugh.

These last days have been fun, no two ways about it. Home practice Sunday afternoon (the moon loves me) left me happy. Afternoon gave way to evening, a private party to celebrate one person’s accomplishment, filled with dance, then filled with music, then filled with love and gratitude. Nights rarely get better than that.

My heart is filled- my friends are the greatest people in the world.

Be careful…Mercury retrograde not a week away.

Oh, and to the girl that practices with the Hooters shirt in the mornings- that’s awesome.

June 23, 2006

I’ve managed not to melt the last couple days, which is an accomplishment. In my 3rd summer in Berkeley, I’m experiencing my first week of 90 degree weather. This is weird. I mean, San Diego never even got to 90 degrees, so I’m not sure what to do with this up here.

Except rejoice. Oh how I love hot weather.

First series today was creaky. I’m positive that I’ve not been staying hydrated enough. Hmmm…hot weather, dehydration…maybe a connection? My back is a hydo-meter. If it’s not willing to bend, it’s ’cause I haven’t been replenishing my stores, ya know?

The new ink is finally healed, so I can go spend some time in the sun this weekend for the first time in three weeks. YES!

Another thing that is fantastic right now is soccer mania. It’s the best part of living in a very international community- World Cup fever. Every bar has it on, and some of them tivo the games and replay them at night. Like Wednesday night I watched no less than FOUR world cup games. YES!

Things are brewing away…lots of new horizons and possibilities. Opportunities all over the place. Very exciting. God how I love Fridays!

Tuesday June 20, 2006

I have the worst time getting up on Mondays. I hate it. Saturday afternoon practice to the music from the street fair below my window. Today was a nice one. The last few weeks have put me back to the level of flexibility I was at this time last year. Before the downward spiral to no practice for three months. I’m back to grabbing the ankles in chakra bandhasana, which I’m happy about. Getting my back flexibility up to par has been the most difficult part of my return.

Got some exciting news from my teacher today, too. More on that latah.

The last year was one of powerful change. I learned more about myself than perhaps any other year-long period. Massive, massive changes took place. I was tested, I was tried, and in the end, well, the things that matter to me most are still around, and I feel that I’ve become lighter, more true, more balanced. It was to this end that I commemorated the finishing of my qualifying exams, the end of my second year of grad school, the passing of an even greater emotional test (read the entries from February to now to see the scope), and the finishing of another cycle of seasons with the work below. The opening lotus. It’s almost completely healed, and when it is I’ll put another up because the detail doesn’t quite show in these pix. There is the most beautiful petal vein work in real life. Due to the inflammation and the color of the ink, the fresh pix don’t show it.

Design and work done by Dave Hartman. He’s at a new studio now, but not on the site so I’ve got no link for y’all.

No sleep June 13, 2006

Couldn’t fall asleep until after 4 last night (went to bed at 10:30)…so I decided to sleep through what would have been my practice time this morning. Serious vata imbalance in the last few days. I’m working on fixing that today.

Comments I got off the blog yesterday brought this to the surface:

You can love people unconditionally and they may take advantage of you…love them anyway.

Holding back for fear of what might happen to us by those to whom we would give is no way to be in my opinion. Like the sting of the needle into flesh, the pain of loss dissipates with time, and if you take care of yourself, the healing leaves beauty in its trail. It all passes. I wrote this before, and now I’m writing it again. I may need a reminder soon. ; )

Old stuff June 12, 2006

From May 28th, 2006 at home….

May took my breath away more times than I can count. I suffered loss in wretched ways. One friend I buried. One friend betrayed me. I staggered, I limped, I threw up my arms to deflect the blows, I crumpled to the ground, literally, when my mind overwhelmed my body. I woke from terrible dreams, haunting visions, unable to fall asleep again. I cried enough to drown small mammals. Sobbing, heaving cries, cries that barely came out, trapped in my chest, and cries where the tears just ran from my eyes like fountains as I sat silently, wishing for something else. I practiced. I prayed. Each day I have become stronger, the sting has become less, and in it all I have shown myself that there was more inside than I’ve been previously aware of.

At the end of this month of Shiva, I remember most the power that allowed me to move forward with any dignity: love. It’s been surprising to watch. My natural reactions to my worst fears coming to fruition have been that of compassion, care, and reverence. I don’t know what I thought they would be, but this is what they have been. The grace of devotion is bearing fruit, and I thank the Divine for such a gift.

I suppose terror is only terror when it hasn’t happened yet. Once the action has been executed, there is no terror, only opportunity. Moving forward with awareness, humanity, and love- finding there the stability to heal, understand the cycle of things more accurately, and forgive.

Forgiveness sets us free. Forgiveness is true love.

I sit, back at my skiff on the river’s edge, licking my wounds. Some passengers are quite violent in their compensation for the crossing, but this is not news. After all, the ride can be quite disillusioning and painful for them. Sometimes this is the price of truth. I assume the karmic debt has been paid. I gaze across the water, wondering when my next journey will commence; surely not soon as I have not the strength for it now. But, inevitably, another passenger will arrive on this bank. Perhaps the next one will free me from this bondage to my boat.