Sweetness May 9, 2006

Tuesday. So many things have changed. It’s beautiful here on a regular basis. I sleep with the window open.

Practices have been fantastic. I was reminded in conversations with Neti that I used to practice fast. Going slow has been sucking the life out of me. My body feels so much better at the pace where I’m not slowing my breath on iota. I’ve picked up the pace and now am back into my second series poses. Today my teacher said to me, right before beginning assisted backbends “he’s back.” Big smile. The back is open. The heart is open.

I’m slowly stepping into my new reality, saying goodbye to the familiar things I’ve called home in the last few months- studies, conversations, affection, stress- and entering the new world awaiting me now that this last year of effort has been completed. It is sunny here. It is lonely. It is filled with hope and newness and exciting research and the love of old friends I’ve not been able to indulge in for a long time. I’m excited now, and sad.

Yesterday I saw friends I’ve not seen in years. Yesterday I held friends like I’ve never held them. Yesterday I watched a family receive an outpouring of love and support from the beautiful community created by one man. One man who is now gone, one man who leaves a legacy of doing what is right, in every action, every gesture, every word. He leaves us with the simple challenge to love each other. We are not separated by anything other than what we put in place in our minds. Such was his coda. There is one simple choice we all have to make- whether or not to positively influence the world around us or to negatively influence it. Masses of people remembered this together yesterday. Masses that will carry the heart of this man further than his time could.

His name was Tarek. It means “the brightest star in the sky.”

Two degrees from disaster May 3, 2006

The information started coming in a week or so ago.
A friend rejected from a grant with horrible reviews.
Another friend suffered from a major qualifying exam schedule change.
A friend’s mom diagnosed with cancer.
Another friend’s friend got left by his wife who fell in love with another man.
A fourth friend’s ex-roommate’s estranged wife killed herself and their daughter.
Another friend’s brother going through a terrible breakup.
And finally, this afternoon, I learned that my best schoolage friend is burying his brother Monday- killed crossing the street by a car.

The last three came in today.

The final news was the hardest for me. This is someone I knew and cared for, and his family was my home away from home for years. Tarek was a great man. A beautiful light. The world is worse that he is gone from it, to be sure. I heard today that Carlos Santana dedicated the second half of a show Sunday to Tarek. As a friend told me, “He was big in that world.” He was big in any world. I’ll be traveling Monday back to my old stomping grounds in OC for the funeral…I haven’t seen almost any of the people who will be there in years.

There is one thing you can trust in this life more than anything else: you are going to die. Everyone around you is going to die. If you do not live your life in that context, you are lying to yourself. For some reason, death has been nearby in my life for as long as I can remember. I have been to many funerals. I have cared for a few who faced cancer. Maybe this is true for everyone.

A number of years ago I began a friendship in college with someone who had just been diagnosed with Lukemia. He survived and has been in remission ever since. He taught me some amazing lessons as he was uncertain of having any more than a month or so to live for a time.

I try to make sure that every day I can feel ok if it’s my last.

We have only the moment. Use it well. Love when you can. Charge when you can. Make someone feel good when you can. Call your mom, hug your friends, express yourself fully, always be honest, live with integrity. Why not? Take each moment and squeeze it for all it’s worth. Opportunities rarely come twice, and in that moment, we can take advantage or not. What’s the point in leaving something behind- something unsaid, unexpressed, unappreciated?

Life isn’t just something we should try to get through in the least difficult way. So many seem to live like that. No, life is something to be LIVED. To FEEL. To experience. I would suspect most ashtangis live this way. The practice is so challenging that you have to be pushing yourself, absorbing, challenging, exploring, really LIVING life to find it and to pursue it.

I’m grateful for the reminder of that vibrance each day. I’m grateful for the composure the practice enforces, allowing me less attachment to my more petty concerns. I’m grateful to have known Tarek, to have been inspired by him, to have the images in my mind of his gravity, his peace, his power. His light will shine through all of us who knew him.

Recovery May 1, 2006

Things don’t really ever go the way we plan them, do they? Sometimes they are better, sometimes worse.

The weekend before last was better.

Friday was worse.

I had to take last week off due to sickness. I had a rough cold for the week before my qualifying exam. Much as I’d like to blame my horrid performance on that, it would be inappropriate. The simple fact was that I was unprepared for the direction the questioning took. Regardless, the quals are over, and now it’s on to a new chapter in my life. Moving, lighter now, with less to worry about- back to research. After a few days off.

The feeling of stress slipping off my shoulders is a most priceless sensation.

Solid, if weak, practice yesterday. My body welcomed the asana like an inhale after holding your breath. My desire for the practice is stronger now than it has been in recent memory.

I looked at the sky last night and reflected on the fact that two pairs of eyes can see the same moon from different sides of the globe. That was somehow reassuring. Sometimes I feel like I can feel the entire open expanse of earth from here to there, as if I’m visualizing the space between myself and the next building, and nothing seems far away. The heart chakra bond is remarkably elastic. You can really stretch that thing over some serious distance.