Gently
gently
looking forward
walking forward
making, taking, using
time
for burdens
and peace and
love
in fast swelling
gleaming
pure
breath
of water
of flesh
foraging through
the energy of
mind
for a resting place
in harmony
with other
living space, other
living
time-
a heart extended
to failure
and acceptance of
sense, trust,
gratitude,
fullness found
in the restless
patience
of moving
gently, gently
Gently March 30, 2006
The ferry boat man March 24, 2006
Friday. My teachers were back in the shala today and so was I. Grateful for the heat, the prana of other yogis and my teachers, I had an good practice. It’s been a long time since I noticed any real difference in the quality of my practice, however. Some days one part is a little more open than others, but overall it kinda just plugs along in a monotone. I guess that’s better than peaks and valleys.
I’ve been holding my urdhva dhanurasanas longer because I can feel this pressure on my chest that is affecting my breath during my days. Stress…. Today I thought about standing up from my last one, and I decided instead to come down. I sat up and went into paschimottanasana and that’s when the tears started. Paschimottanasana is a straight-legged version of curling up in a ball. One of my teachers came over and squished me and I was so incredibly sad. I needed the touch. I needed the reassurance.
In savasana, I realized my urdhva d’s were simply the pressure that broke the dam. But there had been a crack in it from much earlier in the practice. I can’t remember when. All I remember is the thought, and that I was in ardho mukha svanasana. In a flash I saw my role in life, and particularly, in love.
I am your guide. Your usher. I am your ferry boat man. I am your messenger, your hawk medicine. Mercury. I am the person helping you cross the bridge. I am Herman Hesse’s Siddartha. I am the person who takes you to the other side.
It’s a role I play so very well. I relish it when I’m teaching, when I’m talking to strangers, when I’m ever involved in someone’s empowerment. But our greatest gifts are our greatest curses. I absolutely hate this role in love relationships, where upon reflection I seem to be the most effective at it. I can’t stand it. I don’t want to be that, but we don’t have much control over who we meet, do we…? I don’t want to just take you to the other side. I want to go with you afterwards. With someone. Leaving the shala I began to cry again. The tears are fear. Pure overwhelming fear. Fear of Truth. I slumped into my car and sat, staring at the steering wheel, wondering if this is my destiny forever. How am I to accept this?
Tapas March 21, 2006
Practice at home today- it was a good strong one as those go. I practiced at home last Friday too. Since everyone is in the west bay with SKPJ, the trip to the shala doesn’t make much sense, particularly since it’s not really that much warmer than my house when only 5 people show up. Plus this way I get more sleep.
Sleep has been elusive lately. As have adequate words. Emotion has come in all shapes and sizes in the last few days. Jealousy, fear, anxiety, elation, happiness, gratitude, bliss. I’m half the seven deadly sins and half the seven saintly virtues.
I’ve crossed the six week mark for my qualifying exams. Time to start really tightening down the screws.
My life is an exercise in patience. My life is an exercise in quelling panic. In one sense I have to resist doing too much. In the other I have to force myself to do more. I have competing targets of my energy, and the balance between them is going to either be my downfall or my masterpiece this spring.
Come the last weekend in April, all things change drastically. A new perspective, a conspicuous absence of the two biggest parts of my life as it stands here in March, and all the excitement of a return to my work.
I just have recently found out that I’ll be presenting at a conference in Germany in August, so I’ll be taking time to do experiments in Berlin prior to that and take a gander ’round the great continent of Europe for a couple weeks prior. In late May I have a trip to Orlando for another conference. It’s going to be a fun summer.
Wednesday March 15, 2006
The shala was empty this morning. Everyone was in the west bay with Guruji. I regret not being with them this year. I have too much on my plate to get there, though I might be able to drop in this Friday. Nevertheless, there were a few of us doing self-practice in the heated comfort of the normal room. Not that heated tho- for some reason I was really cold today. Stopped after baddha konasana as I was carpooling with a good friend and I was timing my practice with hers.
Yesterday was a rough one. 12 hours in the lab, the full moon, the eclipse, Pluto going retrograde, Mercury still retrograde, and the first day back in since I took Monday off. Coming down from the cloud I was on didn’t feel great.
Friday was a long day of anticipation after a good practice. The weekend was pure bliss. I’ve never felt this way before. I write it here to have a record for the future. No matter what happens, I want to remember this space for what it is.
I feel like I’m remembering memories from another life, waking up to a dream that I thought I’d been having, always wondering if this can actually be real. It can. It truly truly can. If only for days. If only for moments.
Jai March 9, 2006
Thursday afternoon. Looks like rain.
Tuesday was a very strange morning. I could barely lift my own weight. All muscles felt used up, out of juice, and so I stopped at navasana, which I was damn proud to get to actually!
Tuesday night I was so excited I couldn’t sleep, so I took yesterday off.
Yesterday I had a minor spaz attack regarding preparation for my qualifying exam. But I sat down and made up a schedule and I felt better.
Last night I was so excited I couldn’t sleep, but I got up and practiced. Strong full primary. Kind of a lagging day.
I’ve discoverd genius in the saying “you’re a sight for sore eyes.” Sometimes it’s possible to feel better just by laying eyes on another. Fucking incredible.
Tired March 6, 2006
This day was a day off. Practice yesterday happened to take place in the afternoon, in a living room set up for photography, in the presence of a photographer. A wonderful gift to be sure- an archive of my practice just shy of 5 years after beginning.
Today I was lethargic. Today I was lacking motivation. Today I was lazy.
Tonight I’ve gotten a fire lit under my ass. I’m cooking lunch for tomorrow, getting my life organized, and amped for the mat in the morning.
The sun woke me and I reflected on dreams coming true. I surveyed the chaos of my life in the thoughful haze of just waking, feeling the truth of right action in right mind.
This path is remarkable. This path is beautiful. This path is all I am capable of. This path fulfills me.
Friday night March 3, 2006
It feels like that week lasted a month.
Another half practice yesterday- I was so damn tired. Today, full primary. My back felt good, but I’m much more reluctant to push in that department than I used to be. I used to just love getting the back cranked on. Not anymore. I still enjoy backbending but I’m much more…measured, I guess.
I seem to be alternating between fear and elation lately. It’s not necessarily due to any ideas in my mind- just mood fluctuations. It seems the moods spawn the ideas, rather than the other way around.
I’m demanding of myself that I look right down the barrel with fear. It’s a challenge, and I’m a sucker for challenges. When I start to get a little freaked I literally stand (or sit) up straighter, take a deep breath, and visualize my heart chakra opening. It is powerful. There’s not a lot that love can’t overcome, to be sure.
I’m learning a lot about myself. I’m learning about the roots of my responses, how to nurture myself during doubt, during fear. I have long understood the mechanisms for why certain things make me afraid- now I’m working on my responses. It’s one thing to understand yourself, know what you need, and know where it all comes from. It’s an entirely different step to deal with that in a more effective way.
I’ve found the rewards to be worth the energy. It’s now possible to make connections previously unattainable. It’s now possible to be a better man than I was before. It’s now possible for me to be a better partner than I’ve ever been- to be more patient, more flexible.
My teacher said to someone today in class (it’s rare for him to speak loud enough for everyone to hear, so this was big), “Fear, anger, taking that on in yourself- that’s the real yoga.” I smiled an upside down smile in sirsasana….
Recovering March 1, 2006
ALWAYS working or thinking about work or reading or writing something having to do with it.
I had to be at the lab early this morning so I did a practice to navasana and killed it there. I approached backbending cautiously, because after standing up from my 4th urdhva dhanurasana Monday I almost vomited. Today I didn’t feel any grossness, so I did 3 drop back/standups and left it at that.
It was a full day at the shala, and I had the good fortune of being next to an individual I’d never seen before who had a very very advanced practice. If you’ve been near one, you know what that’s like- ’nuff said.
Feeling everything under the sun. Finding my way though it all. The fog of uncertainty holds places for hope to hide as much as those for distress. Hence= ignorance is bliss. The lifting of that fog removes hope as much as it allows direct action and there is nothing like the feeling of knowing what the real deal is, what your actual options are, and then making the decision with an open heart and saying YES to it all. A full yes. A complete yes. A yes to the inevitable end. A yes to the process before that. A yes to this moment of fear and truth and faith….
I’m getting more done than I could have imagined possible just a couple months ago. This happens when I’m forced to step up I guess. Resolution to my path, resignation to truth, reverence for the process. I’m so very grateful for my life right now, for the opportunities I have, the people I know and love.
Goodbye Kathy, I’ll miss your humor! Good thing I know where to find ya huh?
