Water February 27, 2006

It was raining so hard when I left this morning that I thought I might have to swim to practice. Luckily, the car floated, and my go-go-gadget hovercraft feature worked beautifully. You never know with those things….

I added dhanurasana A and B back into my practice today. Seems ok. Pasasana is getting closer to where I was before. Moon day tomorrow. Cool.

Yesterday was an excercise in efficiency with my qualifying preparation. I got a lot of reading done, and a bit of writing on my proposal as well. It’s nice to have something to show for the weekend.

So retrograde officially starts on Thursday, but right now we’re in what is called the “retrograde shadow” where a lot of the crap usually occurs. This is always the time when I bear the brunt of the burden of whatever is going to happen to me during this time. Mercury is going retrograde in Pisces and that is the sign which controls my moon (emotions)- all very much connected to water. This has lent itself to some exaggerated features in my personal life. Aside from the general apprehension I felt most of the day Saturday, yesterday I suffered a very serious bout of anxiety. During that time I felt inordinately emotional. Neti and his wife were dear enough deal with me- there was one moment where I just felt like crying for no reason! I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what was causing the sensation. I looked at them and said “I think I’m starting my period.” Emotional for no reason, anxious to the point of frustration…I just had some PMS, that’s all.

I later discovered that the anxiety was most likely due to a recent karmic connection I’ve made. There seems to be a surprisingly high amount of empathic ability between us. It kinda can turn into a feedback loop, though: if one person is feeling something, the other feels it too, then the first feels THAT in combination with the original feeling, and so forth…. I’m still getting used to how to handle it. Nevertheless, the hightened emotional introspection and sensitivity of this retrograde, combined with my already sensitive nature is going to make for a hell of a ride for a few weeks if the last few days are any indicator…ugh.

Ominous February 25, 2006

There are signs. Signs of the coming of…retrograde…dun dun daaahhhh. Isn’t it weird? Miscommunications, small things breaking (my nano just bit the dust), accidents, problems with infrastructure, people getting screwed, plans getting interrupted- all the classics, really. Time to really focus on keeping my sense of humor.

I got to bhekasana Wednesday in second series and subsequently had my back opened to a new degree by a wonderful adjustment from my teacher.

But I was so exhausted from the week, a change of fortune, and just no where near enough sleep that I had to skip Thursday. I needed comfort time in bed. A.k.a. sleeping in.

Friday morning was an exercise in self brutality. Decided to go out for drinks Thursday (unusual lately but necessary after that day) stayed up super late, and yet awoke without an alarm at 5:45 unable to return to sleep. Got up and went to yoga. Stopped at janu C. Began feeling disgusting shortly thereafter. Returned to a humanish feeling after lunch.

Saw an epic show last night. Cleaned house today. And now I’m sitting on my floor writing, procrastinating more work, listening to a recently created playlist and wondering about my future. How does it all turn out?

I was talking with a friend a few days ago about a concept I find so strange. Most of the questions one has right now will be answered at some point. Depending on what kind of questions they are, that may be in a day or two, 6 months, 5 years, or three decades. What I really trip on is the concept that at some point the questions I have right now will seem irrelevant because there will be answers. Of course at that point, there will be more questions. In any case, it’s a strange feeling for me to be here now realizing that all I have to do is wait and the answers will be there.

Something about the last 14 hours has had a remarkably ominous quality, the kind where you know it’s not your own emotions because you’re so detached from it. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow, so maybe I’m just feeling the coming storm. Doubt it. There are black clouds in the nether regions of sense, just beyond the conscious mind.

Blast off February 21, 2006

Nothing like surfing mars to launch yourself into the next phase. I started my new routine today- up at 5:45 (blech), on the mat by 6:15, power through first and start adding two or so second series poses per day.

Pasasana just laughed at me today. Krounchasana doesn’t ever have the chance to say anything. Backbending was supurb. I am within a hand length of my heels, which is as hard as I’ve pushed it since October. Everything was just clicking.

Got to the lab and apparently got shot with a stun gun set on “sudden lack of motivation.”

Thankfully that passed. I’ve managed to get some good work done in spite of myself….

Balancing February 20, 2006

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Sir Isaac Newton’s Third Law of Motion.

I’ve always been fascinated with the metaphorical application of physics to emotions. It works just as well with thermodynamics as it does with mechanics, by the way.

Practice this morning was heavy. The paucity of sleep for the last week has finally caught up with me. I couldn’t stand the idea of going through the whole series, and I just felt…tired. I stopped at janu C, but I forced myself to do backbends.

I must keep the upper chakras open, no matter the fear, no matter the uncertainty. This is exactly when that openness is needed the most.

Everything in my life right now is testing my ability to deal with vulnerability- it just hit me yesterday. My paper, my qualifying preparations, my extracurricular activities- all have been generating so much excitement because the potential rewards are almost unbelievable. If I let myself get too worn down by the effort my insecurities begin to surface, and the instinct to curl up in a ball gets very strong because the risk here is concomitantly non-trivial.

God I’m a moody bastard.

How do people deal with me?

My parents decided to come down and visit me yesterday which was a fantastic surprise. I could get used to this whole weekend-surprise-visit thing. I think talking to them last night brought everything to the surface finally…the reality of potential failure in multiple arenas is setting in, and it is uncomfortable. For better or worse when I commit to things I rarely consider the possibility of failure. I guess it is still possible though, huh?

Landing February 16, 2006

Practice has been ever easier. Today I felt light and open, and even though I really didn’t have the time, I went through the whole series. Everything is coming together. My back is nice and open, but I have no real desire to push it at the moment.

Heart chakra is open just enough as it is, thankyouverymuch.

I’m a little bit closer to the ground today after a healthy dose of reality last night. The terrestrial support is appreciated. It’s a firmer, more secure, more reliable place to stand than a cloud, after all. All this flying around has been making me a little dizzy!

Yesterday I started digging through a stack of paper two inches thick- my reading for this weekend. Fortunately, I like learning! AND, it appears my reading speed for scientific papers has increased quite a bit.

Have you ever been grateful just for the experience of a person? I mean, not the touch, the voice, the conversation…nothing that tangible. I mean just their essence. Grateful for that? I find it amazing now to be thinking about it like that- when a soul has so much light that you just feel better about life because they crossed your path. As a friend of mine says, “cosmic.”

Wednesday February 15, 2006

Today is the first day of feeling relatively normal after one of the better weekends of my life. I haven’t been able to sleep so well since Saturday. My mind is churning and burning the midnight oil and it seems to be a constant condition during the night now.

It was this condition that forced me to sleep in yesterday and skip the asana practice. It was this condition that plagued me last night again, and I simply got up at some point and began meditation. Eventually I got sleepy and went back to bed.

But I did get up for practice this morning and I’m glad I did. Practiced to navasana, had a long savasana, and I feel energized.

My heart has been positively bursting for the last several days, and the sensation seems to be growing. My friends are laughing at me these days. I’m a giddy little boy half the day. That’s the half where I’ve been feeling awake, anyway.

A dull sense of panic is setting in beneath the emotional high. I’m seriously splitting my time now between enjoying the magic of life and freaking out trying to get work done towards my qualifying exams and my paper.

Want it all? Gotta pay a toll….

Jet powered February 11, 2006

I feel like I’m running on high octane right now. I watch as my life continues to add pieces of excitement here, pieces of stress there, wondering if at some point my head just might explode. Or my heart. At some point this level of output will not be sustainable.

I sit when I can. I breathe when I remember to. I have one eye on energy conservation, one eye on all that might be possible.

I didn’t realize I had the capacity to add more until it began this week. Some things are just that inspiring I guess.

I’ve never been known to sit and let life pass me by however. It’s always been “charge it.” The phrase my good friend taught me in college was “go big or go home.” He lived it. Seems typically American in some ways, but in others, it’s transcendent- face your fears, see what you can do with yourself, and if fate looks you in the eye and asks if you’re ready, you say “shit, I was born ready,” with a smile.

We’ll see if I can pull this off or not. But if everything you want has finally made itself close enough to touch, how can you do anything but go for it?

One eye on what must be done now, one eye on the future.

I practiced this morning because tomorrow is out due to Co-opted VI this evening and Monday is a moon day. At mari C I decided a meditation and a long savasana was the right thing for me today, so I stopped there and went into backbending.

There are no hidden messages now, only timing. Never in my life have I clung to the concept that “it will all work out” as I do now. These things which hang in the balance now are so big, so important, that I know without a doubt the next few months will reveal the course of things for a long time to come.

Om namo bhagavate vasudeva
Om namo bhagavate ganapati

The stress… February 9, 2006

…of life is no longer playing hide and seek with me. It’s out there now in full blown wake-you-up-at-3 am-and-not-let-you-go-back-to-sleep effect, to be sure. And nightmares. Last night I had one that was hours long- like the longest dream in my memory. And the whole time I was being chased by police. That ALWAYS means I’m running from something in my life. It is pretty obvious: I’ve got quals in 2.5 months, experiments still needed to do for a paper I want to get out, and my organization right now is slipping. Stuff is getting away from me.

I had a strong first series this morning. Very nice open back stuff, like you do.

I had a searing sharp pain rip through the outside of my right elbow in bujapidasana on Tuesday, so I stopped there and took yesterday off. Haven’t felt it since.

I spent the day yesterday feeling like I was getting sick and worrying myself half to death about my thesis proposal. The latter was mostly because of feedback from my practice talk the night before. Maybe the former as well, eh?

I had a wonderful first series practice on Monday too.

It’s been in the 70s during the day here for over a week. All the plants are blooming. People are sunning themselves on the grass. In short it’s basically May here. IN THE DEAD OF WINTER. My mother grew up here and the weather hasn’t been like she describes it in over a decade. Last year was one of the warmest on record and this January just set another monthly record. I feel like I’m back in San Diego. Boy are we in for it. I hope we can all cut back our emissions in time to level things off….

Golly, it’s Monday February 6, 2006

Last week was one that disappeared into the working hours like so much fuzz. I don’t even know what happened to it. So much work, so much grad school stuff, so much activity. I had great practices last week, and it set me up for a bangin’ one this morning for sure.

I’m just glad to be getting some me time today. Last week was entirely output for others, or for my work. No time for relfection, for inward examination really. I woke up this morning grateful for the ability to make a Cameron deposit.

Practice is coming along. It’s time to return to my second series poses. I would have today except I was out of time. So this means I’m going to have to get up earlier. Ugh. Back to the 5:30 thing again. Well, I don’t mind. Considering half the mornings I wake up then anyway, it’s all good.

The sun is out again. After a couple weeks of rainy-ness, it’s back to good weather. But it’s like 60 degrees. That’s way to warm for this area this time of year. I love it, but it’s a little scary.