Rad August 31, 2005

“Pasasana?” asked my teacher today after I chakrasana’d out of setu bandhasana.

(I’ve been avoiding my second series poses mostly because I know I won’t be able to do supta vajrasana with my knee the way it is. That and my back has been feeling great and I just haven’t needed the extra opening. But today was amazing. Strong strong practice, with better binds than I’ve ever had. I was even able to sit in lotus for a few breaths without pain in a vain attempt at garbhapindasana. Oh, and I held lotus for my finishing poses, too. Yum.)

He’d caught me. “Ok,” I said, and proceeded to attempt pasasana with my heels flat on the ground. My teacher grabbed my hands and I noticed something weird- balance. He was pushing down on my right knee like usual to help me stay upright. I said to him, “I think I’ve got it.” He let go. Everything stayed right where it was. Same for the second side. That’s the first time I’ve ever done that. I was convinced I’d be working on the second series headstands before I got the heels-down-bind in pasasana.

He said, “just add one or two a day until you’re back to kapotasana.”

I said, “I’ve been taking it easy to let my knee heal, and I didn’t want to go forward without going to the end.”

I can’t for the life of me remember the exact words he said next, but it was something to the effect of: all the poses you have won’t hurt the knee except supta vajrasana, and you don’t have to do that one until you’re healed. Or as I would have said it to myself: “get back on the horse, fucker.”

Tuesday August 30, 2005

I think more than any sensation in asana, the feeling I love the most is of my upper back bending so much that the skin folds over itself.

Or maybe it’s the sensation of nothing when the day before there was pain (in any area).

Haven’t decided.

Yet.

New Steam August 29, 2005

I took last week off. I needed the sleep. And the emotional security of not having to get up each morning early. Lots of processing, lots of trying times. Every once in a while it seems like every part of life is going in the toilet. About Wednesday of last week I was circling in the bowl.

Knee fucked up- practice a pain.

Experiments failing- a whole summer of work almost down the drain.

Personal stuff- a whole lot of output with some painful results.

Pain. Fear. Anxiety. Impatience. Insecurity. Hope.

Fuck. Sometimes Feeling is sooooo exhausting.

So I took care of myself in a little way that I do sometimes- I blew off pushing for more in the mornings and just slept. Curled up in a little ball inside my chest. Wrapping my arms around my poor ego, and just breathing, relaxing, letting go. Tough shit.

The new semester started today, so it was a good time to reset everything I had control over. Which includes pretty much only one thing: my practice. Much easier now that I’ve got my car back. I’ve attempted to reset my motivation in the lab. I get to teach this semester, which is one of my most favorite things to do in the world, so that helps. I’ve always got a list of experiments to do, so it’s just a matter of picking a new one and charging it. If nothing else, I’m crossing off things on the list.

As for the rest, it’s more like sit and breathe. There’s always so much to learn about oneself.

Prophecy August 20, 2005

One of the results of coordinating schedules with another person on a regular basis has been that my one day off is Sunday now, instead of Saturday. It’s nice when the hardest thing in the relationship is figuring out timing between two busy schedules. It can definitely be worse.

The end of summer has me living something of a dream. Just over a year ago, I made an entry about an attraction that has developed into reality. It’s slightly uncanny, but that woman is now one of the better parts of my life….

I got through a cold partial primay today, deciding not to push my knee any further than janu C. Next week begins my first full week of my triumphant return to shala life. The last week before school starts will have meetings, research, new incoming 1st years to hang out with, a friend from San Diego, and an absolute refusal to do any extra work as I’ve tanked myself this summer. I begin teaching two labs a week the following week. And I have a class. And fellowships are due. And research must be done. The second year is just around the corner.

And yesterday, one of the researchers in the lab that I know less well, at the end of a conversation, popped out with “you’re going to be working for a company.” I was shocked- “what?” “Yeah, that’s where I see you…something small. I just see where people are going to be sometimes.” Getting into a conversation about anything outside the realm of science in a lab is a little unusual, much less getting a full-on prophetic announcement. Considering my main goal is to stay in academia, this was some news to me. But I persisted: “Do you see this often? I mean, are you fairly accurate when you do?” She paused, thought for a moment, and said, “Yeah, I am. I don’t always see that about people, but when I do it’s usually right.”

I fought the law and… August 17, 2005

Inconsistancy has me injured. Somewhere in my late afternoon primary series Saturday (which was open as hell due to the late hour) I ripped apart part of the lateral ligaments in the left knee. Whoopee.

Years of knee issues have made me somewhat bored with another one. I blasted through primary today simply giving that knee what it needed. And it gives me the convenient excuse to only stick with primary for the week.

I’m going back to the shala.

I have to have it. I’m a crack fiend in need. Shala fiending. The place was so packed today there was no distinguishing between the finishing area of the room and the regular area. I couldn’t believe it- never seen it that full in over a year of being there. That means there would have been around 40 people in there. And my teacher teases about his occupation being lifting heavy objects for a living. No shit.

I’ve had no luck selling my car, so I get it back from the lot this weekend. I’m still keeping it up for sale, but I’ve got extra money now, so I’ll be spending some of it on a little cheapie once I get rid of the current ride. My fantasy $2000-or-less-car: Datsun 510. Oh yeah.

In either case, I’ll be heading back to 7th Heaven on a daily. Starting today. My better half and I have it worked into our schedule and we’re together in our addiction- just in time for the morning sun to disappear.

Has anyone else noticed that it’s dark at 6am now? Holyshitwhendidthathappen? Last week it wasn’t like that. Maybe it’s just clouds. Damn. Another winter is on it’s way.

I’ve also been fiending for my bike. It’s been a while, and I’ve been lazy. No more. Was that tired quads in sun sals today? Hmm. My accomplishments are piling up: I got my first ticket on my bike today. I suspect there will be many more. No yelling this time. There’s something so pleasing to me about standing on the sidewalk stradling a track bike, panting from my ride, after holding a minute-long trackstand and then blowing through the signal after the cars were gone, whilst a 1900cc Police outfitted Harley Davidson stands running next to the curb, lights flashing, officer busily scribbling away, and watching the looks on people going by. Homeboy asks for the purposes of the ticket, “who makes the bike?” “Bianchi,” I proudly say. At least he spelled it right.

Snap back August 11, 2005

Last weeks magnificent round of practice at the old shala was followed by a long weekend in LA at a wedding involving very little practice, followed by a drive home that left my back curiously sore, a first series practice Monday, and two days of minimum* practice before deciding last night that no matter what, today was going to be the day I got back on track.

Back to the shala I went. And a full practice with two rounds of kapotasana and full ankle-grabbing chakra bandhasana later, I was broken in. Again. Tomorrow should be interesting.

One thing is for sure, the return to my shala has shown me how much easier practicing can be. Not because of anything other than the fact that getting up and driving there seems infinitely less difficult than getting up and setting up my stuff at home.

A recent financial windfall has me fantasizing about a tiny cheap beater car whose sole purpose is transporting my stressed-out ass (and all the rest of my anatomy attached to it) to the shala and home in the mornings again. Of course, I have to sell the current car first (which is proving to be more of a challenge than I thought). While I’ve enjoyed my time at home, the amount of responsibility coming from research and studying obligations leaves little energy for me to motivate myself into practicing each morning. If I just get up and go, life is much simpler.

Soon. Until then, it’s ass-kicking up and down the block. I’ve got a steadily decreasing amount of days until the next semester, with it’s concomitant teaching, classes, research, and seminars catches me, and if I think my 9-7 lab days now are tough, I’ve got another think comin’.

*like Neti I’ve committed to doing no less than 3 A’s and B’s plus 3 finishing postures on all practice days, no matter what. This recipie I found on David William’s discussion site under a question from someone about how to maintain a home practice. I find it psychologically to be very helpful, as I don’t kick myself as hard on days where I simply do minimum practice as opposed to missing it altogether.

A return August 3, 2005

Two days back in the shala. Familiar faces, sounds. My teacher smiling at me and checking in. The power of the room with 25 bodies doing Ashtanga. Heat, humidity, extra sweat, adjustments, the smell of the room. It was so good to go back to my yoga home.

But my practice was basically, surprisingly, the same.

My body was the same, and my breath. So was my strength and my flexibility, my driste and my concentration.

What a nice validation of my efforts at home these last weeks.

But in a room with lots of people, especially when it’s a comforting place that lends itself to the practice, it’s easy to see how loud it is in my head during home practices. People around me are much less distracting than my own mind. Though I found it newly distracting to have all that movement and energy in the same room, I also saw just how much less thought was involved in getting through the practice.

Monday August 1, 2005

I managed to practice yesterday in a hotel room in Pasadena with little space and an active fanning AC. My best laid intentions of only doing sun sals and a handful of finishing postures were laid to waste: I got all the way to janu C. My back doesn’t bend as well in such conditions, however.

The day was spent in an old retirement apartment, now half-boxed and emptying. Sorting through old junk, old photos, old memories. He hadn’t lived there long enough for his essence to sink in, as it had in the old house he had lived in before moving there. His clothing hung in the closet just like normal, waiting to be worn, but the rest of the apartment was a study in the deconstruction of a man’s belongings. My mother and father and I were able to have some light moments looking at pictures, trying things on, and generally reflecting on the man he was.

This morning practice was easier. My back was more open, my hips nice and loose. There is an amazing dichotomy floating through my life these last days: love and loss. More intense, new, powerful love, and more distant, final, capitulating loss. Beginnings and endings. Shiva energy. That’s what this retrograde feels like to me.