Performance quality February 28, 2005

At some point over the weekend, in a conversation with Neti, I voiced some thoughts that have been percolating up since I resurrected my practice last week. I told him that I needed to go back to previous way of thinking about my practice: I needed to perform it. Now that may seem obscure, or perhaps egotistical, but if you’ve ever been a performer of some sort, I think you’ll understand. The funny thing about performing is that while it initially seems like the unique quality of focus may stem from simply being on stage, or being observed, or knowing others are evaluating you, the simple fact of the matter is that once you’ve done it for a bit, you can snap in and out of “performance” mode regardless of whether or not there’s a single solitary soul in your presence. Performance, in the way I mean it here, is not for someone or something, it’s just a simple ‘how.’ A quality. A way of doing it, that is very easy to feel and almost impossible to explain. But the focus is amazing. I used to look at my practice as one big piece of choreography, one long dance. Somewhere in the last several months, I’ve lost that and I noticed last week that many of my manuevers are much less efficient, much less fluid. Time for a change. Time to return to something I know very well- performance quality.

It was certainly more strenuous! I’ve forgotten how much harder it is when there is never a break from the concentration, the flow. It’s not that I’ve been plopping down between asanas and wiping my face and looking around the room or something, but today showed me I’ve lost stamina from the simple lack of total concentration- not maintaining the totality that performing brings. Little things you’d never even notice doing consciously happen all the time when in that mode, and that adds up to a bit of extra effort, no doubt.

But it was such a good practice. I felt much more connected than I have in a while, and even the poses like mari D where I still have a fair amount of struggle getting into were better because of how I went about approaching the entry and exit. There’s a pacing that I don’t adhere to in the same way when I’m not thinking about it the way I did today. There’s better dristi. There’s better breath, better vinyasa. And the transitions are oh-so-much smoother. I suppose they may be prettier, too, but I have no idea. They feel prettier. The whole practice feels more pretty. It’s all more graceful when it’s performed. Smooth, strong, graceful.

I still felt fairly heavy, but I’m positive that a couple weeks of this approach and my strength will be better than it has been in a long time. I have a few diet issues to attend to as well, and that will undoubtably aid things. A little more protein, but certainly more fresh veggies- I’ve been lagging in that department. I’ve added some dairy back into the equation lately, too. Live cultured yogurt- man I had no idea yogurt could taste so good. I mean when it hits my tounge it’s like heaven. I guess I’m needing something in there. Badly. All in all, a good day. Going to make it a good week.

Heavy February 25, 2005

That was the theme of the morning. I woke at 5:30 and promptly decided to go back to bed. Woke again at 6:30, got up and went to the studio. I noticed the lack of strength right away. I only got through navasana before I realized I needed to stop. I had to skip several vinyasas between sides and was feeling plain tired. Also, I’d noticed my hamstrings have been getting progressively more sore through the week. Looks like my week off finally caught up with me. I’m glad it’s Friday. Even though I’m only going to take one day off, it feels like Sunday is a new beginning. I think that has a lot to do with getting to sleep in a little more. The 5:30 train is a hard schedule. Even if I get to bed at 10 I’m still tired from it. Rough. Anyway, this should be a great weekend. Dinner tonight with my father- he’s in town- then some serious friend time. Looking forward to all of it. Yea, it’s FRIDAY!

Thursday February 24, 2005

Couldn’t sleep last night. Head was spinning. Full moon. This one was a biggie for me. Lots of activity and concomitant thinking/general vata spaziness. I stuck to the plan though and got up at the usual 5:30. Practice was fine. A little heavier than Tuesday, but not terrible. Mari D on both sides was astonishingly open. To the point where I’m actually able to breath and expand the chest, drop the bent knee more, and generally straighten the spine. Usually I just hold on for dear life and pray that my knee doesn’t blow. Today I finally felt like I was working the pose. I also decided to go for the bind earlier in ardha badda padma paschimottanasana. Wasn’t bad. I’ve been able to bind that pose for some time, but haven’t been because it usually hurts too much. Not so today. Lotus was open enough for use all through the finishing poses which was nice too. Backbending has been feeling really good even though I’ve only been doing first series this week. I’m looking forward to getting back to my second series stuff. More than that though I’m looking forward to the return of my teacher next Sunday. Only 10 days left without him. I’ve missed him more this time than during the fall when he went to NYC. Another thing I’m noticing is the distinctive presence of sunlight much earlier than before. Even though the sun never shines directly into the studio, I can clearly see that it’s getting light when it never used to. The spring is coming. Days of sun punctuate those with clouds on a more regular basis, and when they do it’s borderline hot out. Winter has gone by so much faster than it ever has for me, which is good since if it had crept along for this first time in Nor Cal I may have died. So nice that the sun is making its way back. Yea for sun. I am without a doubt one of the folks that relates very much to surya namaskaras- I pray for sun, I love the sun, I worship the sun.

Tuesday February 22, 2005

Reward of rewards, todays practice was actually BETTER than yesterdays. Wild. Usually practice #2 after a week off is the absolute worst. Today was one of my better practices period. Very happy about that. I think it has a lot to do with my concentration. This is new and improved from two weeks ago, certainly. Lotus was great, despite initial reluctance by my hips during the ardha baddhas. I decided that I’m only going to do first series this week, to allow myself to get back into the swing of things. Yesterday I only did vinyasas between poses, but today I did all the vinyasas. Interestingly, my strength was better than yesterday. Tuesday magic, combined with a roaring full moon in Leo- that means lovely strength. Tomorrow we have our moon day, so I’ll get some extra sleep and a little recuperation for the muscles. I’m looking forward to the practices the rest of this week.

I just opened an envelope from my mother which contained pictures from her trip with my sisters to visit my grandfather. I was shocked. It’s been a little while since I’ve seen him and he has lost a ton of weight. His face is sunken and he really looks like he’s aged 10 years in the last 1. My stomach sunk. I’m planning on getting down to visit in March or April. It’s amazing thinking about my phone conversations with him recently- he sounds just like he always has. Chatty and upbeat, clever and witty. It’s hard to reconcile that voice with the face in the pictures. Well, that’s the reality of it. I’m glad to have it. The sooner we get all the available information in this life, the better.

On an upbeat note, I made the decision today as to the lab I’m going to join for my Ph.D. It’s the lab I was in before this last rotation began. It’s the lab I’ve got a link to on the right. It’s the lab I came to Berkeley for. I told the head of the lab today and he was elated. I’m excited. I still have to finish this last rotation, but now we can start getting things set up for me to hit the ground running when I start up again in the end of April. Lots to do, and the sooner the better. How very cool!

Spiritual Rejuvenation February 21, 2005

At times I wonder how I do it. I look at my life and I see the variety of activities and committments- the seemingly unending repositories of energy towards which my life force flows, out away from me. On many days I’ve marveled at how I can get up every day and practice, how I can go to classes, work in the lab, study, catch up on literature in my field, socialize, party, plan and go on trips, plan and promote shows, and maintain my health. Physically, I’ve gotten a little sick twice in this lifestyle, but I recovered within a couple days, and for the most part I’ve remained above the mayhem. Or so I thought.

A week ago, the bottom fell out. Not physically, but emotionally. Since this is rare for me, I had no idea it was coming, but it’s so obvious in retrospect. Of course, my practice was display of this for me. I couldn’t see it until I no longer wanted to practice. I couldn’t, actually. I had no energy for it- in my HEART. I spent the week marvelling at my sudden lack of motivation for ANYTHING, my disgust at lab work, my distaste for practice, my overwhelming desire to sit around and watch movies and sleep in- to avoid life, that is. Or to avoid my life. Or to avoid the life I was living.

Spending four days in Yosemite was exactly what I needed. It was cold. It was raining- pouring at times- almost constantly. Snowing at some elevations. And yet every once in a while the clouds would open and the sun would illuminate the beauty of one of Nature’s most startling and breathtaking places, made more so by the elusive views. Climbing, exerting, freezing, moving, sleeping, listening, and just absorbing. Absorbing the sweet nectar of the Divine, made ever more apparent by being in the wilderness. A recharge, to be sure. A remembering. A return to Right Perspective.

I sat with my friend yesterday in Yosemite Valley at dusk, just about to get in the car to drive home, and I realized I had regained enthusiasm for my life back home. For my practice, for lab work, for my studies. My heart was filled again with energy and excitement. We both had wide grins and the fatigue from our eyes was gone. Strange, considering the amount of hiking, climbing, and element-surviving we had just completed. Our bodies worn, but our spirits high.

My practice greeted me with open arms this morning. I focused on the breath, more than anything. I would let it take me through. I had the thought sometime on the trail that the breath was all I needed. Keep my focus there and nothing would ellude me. I’m excited to explore this in the coming days, not forsaking the other obvious partners of the tristana, of course.

I realize that while I love my life here, I sometimes have to take time out to just be with God. Sometimes the little bits I get from practice or meditation are not enough, and I have to go to a place where the I’m immersed in the Divine energy. There are many such places that I have been in life. The ocean has always served that need, but I’ve never spent continuous days and nights in the ocean before. The mountains, especially the Sierra Nevadas, are another place, and I can spend many days and nights there if I need. Total immersion.

I’m happy to be home, returning to this life after my week off.

The lazy man goes another day… February 15, 2005

…without asana practice. I even got up this morning, feeling somewhat good, and STILL talked myself out of practicing and went back to bed. I just didn’t feel like putting out the effort, AT ALL. I can’t remember a time where I felt like this and let myself have it. Usually I’d force myself to practice and I’d feel good about it and it would go away. Not right now. Although all day I’ve been wanting to do yoga so I suspect I’ll be back at it tomorrow. I’m laughing at myself for this week. It really is funny to me how completely lethargic and apathetic I’ve become. I know it’ll pass, that I need a break from the hard-nose schedule I’ve been forcing myself to. Still funny. A good excercise in pride, though. I did managae a meditation session, which felt very good. I’ve been toying with the idea of not practicing at all ’till I get back from Yosemite (that’s where I’m going this weekend for snowshoe backpacking), but I think the best answer for me is to practice whenever I next want to. If that’s tomorrow, cool. If not, cool. If I’m still not into it by next week, I’ll start crackiing the whip. There’s a difference in needing a break and just being lazy. A week off is a hell of a break.

Malaise February 14, 2005

I don’t know what has come over me. I awoke this morning almost depressed. I had no desire whatsoever to practice. Didn’t even want to think about it. Didn’t want to come to lab, didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to do anything but sleep or watch movies. And I wasn’t even that tired. I dunno. I let myself take the morning off. I figured I’m at the edge of burning myself out on something right now. Yesterday evening carried the strangest ominousness with it, like something was unmistakably wrong. I awoke feeling still uneasy. Several of my friends felt it too. Who knows. Maybe it was simply the coming of the storm which is upon us now. Maybe there was more. I certainly have not been stoked to come to lab since my third rotation began. I don’t like it here. Nothing in particular to complain about actually, it just feels wrong. I guess I know where I’ll be landing for the next several years- the Coates lab. No surprise there, it was my first choice coming in.

I practiced yesterday. It was decent, but I felt heavy. Good heat, good rhythm, but heavy. The absence of my teacher is wearing on me. I have less motivation with him gone. I feel like that’s a bad thing. I mean, isn’t this practice supposed to be our own? Shouldn’t we be able to be alone with it and simply execute the practice without others? Yes. I know this. And maybe if I lived somewhere warm and conducive to that, it would be better. The fact of the matter is that the dark cold wetness of northern California winters makes practicing alone in my cold flat unthinkable to my weary 5am mind. When our teacher is gone, the energy at the studio flags. It’s obviously lugubrious.

Or maybe that’s just me these days. Something sure has happened. I have a feeling it’s a couple things: 1. The lonliness of my flat with no music or entertainment of any sort for a week now, and 2. The sudden shift from wonderful sunny days for two weeks to a very dreary wet winter storm that is now on day (gasp) four. I was just getting the excitement of spring in me last week and by Friday night (although Saturday was beautiful most of the day) the gloom sat in.

So yeah. I’m sifting through the malaise tonight, trying to put together the energy to finish homework, do extra reading, get psyched about practice, eat well, and shrug it all off.

Oh, the show went well last night, though the numbers were small. I had an absolute blast however:

Lazy Day February 11, 2005

I woke up at the usual 5:30, and realized that I really wanted to sleep more. So I did. ‘Till 6:30. Got to practice at 7, and did a super slow primary series. I was feeling tired and kinda weak. Long breath and slow movement got my through it. I had a good practice, just kinda heavy. My left knee was very tender today, so I had to back off that side a bit, but other than that things were peachy. Last week, the sub was giving me baddha k adjustments every day and they were not that pleasant. This week, I’m finding that my left psoas is now feeling the way my right did a couple months ago- painful in lotus poses- and consequently my left knee is hurting. When the psoas tightens up, the knee takes the stress and that hurts the knee. It’s all very logical now, but it’s taken lots of exploration to understand what exact muscle group is responsible for the knee discomfort. Baddha k. I did it by myself today and found that I was almost parallel to the floor with my torso. It’s definitely creeping toward a full pose. I just have to remember to take it slow. And no more adjustments from people other than my teacher who is sharp as a tack about how to move me in that pose.

The weather has clouded in today and it’s beginning to sprinkle. The last two weeks had like one day of rain and all sunny, 60 degree days. It really feels like winter is coming to a close, which is amazing. I guess February is almost halfway over, so winter’s on it’s last legs. The days are noticeably longer now, and with more sun I’m actually getting excited about the spring and summer months. Actually, fall is awesome up here too. It’s just winter that’s worse.

On Sunday night I’m playing percussion for a buddy of mine at a pub in the city. We’re “headlining” if there is such a thing for such a small gig, but I’m getting fairly excited. I played in a band in college, but it’s been years since I performed with a drum (heck, it’s been years since I performed with dance, so it’s got to be YEARS since I performed with drums) so I’ve got an eager aprehension about the whole thing. I’m just using my monster 18″ djembe with his acoustic Martin (yeah, I said it). We’ve only had two rehearsals, but he’s very happy with me so we’re going for it! Crazy. Though I love it. The show starts at 6 so we’re on at 8 and that means I’ll still be in bed early to get to practice Monday. Valentine’s Day! Whooo hooo. Though I have no Valentine. Oh well. I’m on a one-year-off, two-year-on type schedule with that. This happens to be my year off. I still like the IDEA of Valentine’s Day. I know everyone is sick of it and things institutionalized romance is lame and that it’s a Hallmark Holiday and all that, but I’m a big softy, and any excuse to do cheesy flirty romantic stuff is good by me. Cheers.

Thursday? February 10, 2005

Good practice this morning. The temperature was back up, so I was sweating by the end of Surya A. Hip flexibility is back to full force (was babying the left knee Monday and Wednesday), err, lack of force (can flexibility have force?). Anyway, Mari D on both sides, nice second series, good backbending, chakra bandhasana to my heels with no assistance- a good practice. Very pleased. The recuperation efforts this week have worked well. And I’m glad tomorrow is Friday, too. Most of this lab (my new rotation home) will be gone tomorrow, and since I’m just getting a project started here, I’ll have most of the day to do what I want. That actually means I should probably go to the other lab and do some more analysis for my last project….

I’ve been stuck a day behind this week. Which is nice most of the time because I’m always surprising myself with the clever fact that Friday is one day closer than I thought it was! So last night I was rescued from the doldrums that my flat has become due to no computer/music/entertainment of any kind by some fellow yogis for good conversation and a glass of wine. Tonight I’ve got some friend time as well. The complete lack of anything to do but homework and or reading at my place is lending itself to something of a monastic existance once away from school. I’m having to reach back into the emotional toolbox for skills learned in my time as a practicing Zen Buddhist to combat my boredrom. There is a Buddhist saying that boredrom is the gateway to enlightenment. I’m obviously not very bored if that is the case. I am taking time to appreciate the stillness, however, in the wake of more socializing the last couple weeks than I bargained for.

I’ve been craving some time in nature, and one of my yogi buddies and I decided last night to take a backbacking trip in the Sierras next weekend. I’m jazzed about that. The winters up there are amazing (actually, any season is amazing up there). Haven’t been backpacking in a couple years and it’s time for me to get back to it. We’ll take 3 days in the mountains. So nice.

Ohmigosh February 9, 2005

So, I’m writing this from a lab computer because yesterday my laptop decided it was time for me to go without the convenience of its wonderful presence. I don’t have another computer, so I’m stuck using shared machines for now. I’ve found it to be a neat experince in the evenings. Since I don’t have a TV and my computer runs my stereo, I literally have no forms of entertainment outside of reading. But, of course, I have enough reading for school to keep most people busy, so I’m getting lots of work done. Last night I cleaned, too. Back to my usual luddite self (yes, that’s a real word). I should have the machine back in a week.

Practice was fantastic this morning. After sleeping something like 18 hours in the last two nights, eating super-clean, drinking my water, doing castor-oil on the left knee, etc., I had a slam-dunk practice. Everything was clicking. I woke up before my alarm, felt energetic, and kept good focus, strength, dristi going the whole practice. I even got great heat going despite the 65 degree room. Second practice in a row like that. Not a good sign. Some brilliant, and obviously illiterate* individual at the studio keeps turning off the thermostat. Or maybe there is more than one. Whatever. I had my layers and my beanie and my will and I got a sweat going. Good practice. Took it easy at backbending, sat down without my chakra bhandasana. My legs were tired and I didn’t have the ability to walk my hands in by myself. At least I didn’t want to risk it. But it was great to practice. I’m really feeling good at this point in the week, contrary to the beginning of it.

By the way, if you’ve never checked out JMS’s blog, I’d highly recommend looking at it now. Click my link on the right to “Flying Monkey”- he’s back from mysore and waxing poetic. Good stuff.

*There is a huge sign right above the thermostat that says “Do Not Turn Off,” the thermo is programmed, yadda yadda. Then, above that, there is now ANOTHER sign that explains the problem further, describing the 59 degree starting temp in the room, the problem for the students, etc, and is signed by the manager.