Monday January 31, 2005

Exactly. Monday it is. I couldn’t fall asleep last night. Fell asleep fine on Saturday night by eleven. Last night I just kept rolling over every half hour, wondering when I’d finally crash. The last time I remember looking at the clock it was 1:30am. I’d be up in four hours. I told myself I could take the day off from practice if I wanted. But when the alarm rang, I wasn’t all that tired, and I made it to practice. Once there, however, I felt a little sluggish. It was the kind of day where I just felt heavy. No problems other than that. My lotus was nice and open, affording me all the postures I’m still getting accustomed to doing without serious modification. Mari D on both sides again, good stamina throughout. I’ve noticed my body really wants a slower pace than it used to, especially during the sun sals. Once I’m done there, I can speed up, but I’m still a little weak at the beginning. Second series was nice, and I hit my handstands after ustrasana and laghuvajrasana (the person in front of me was at the front of her mat, so I didn’t have to worry about falling foward and rolling into her). Backbending was awesome. I got a nice solid walk-in to the heels unassisted again, and this time I was almost able to completely straighten the arms. I’ve found that the key to getting all the way to my heels right now is to do it in two stages. Drop back, walk in as far as I can with my heels down, then go further, then stop and straighten the arms as much as possible. At this point I can get some really good extra bending, and there’s room to walk even further in. So I got my first and second fingers on each side of my heels today and was able to straighten a bit. And this with no assist. Coming up felt incredible. I’m wondering if doing that yesterday may have had some effect on my inability to sleep. We’ll see tonight I guess.

It’s been a long day at the lab- I’m still here in fact. Probably till seven. But since I rode the scoot in I’m not bummed because I’ll be home in 15 minutes no matter when I leave. It can take almost an hour if I have to walk to the bus stop and wait. I’ve got food here, and I’m getting some good work done. My last experiment of this second lab rotation (I hope), and I’m really happy about the work I’m doing. A hectic week in front of me, but if I stay on top of my presentations I’ll be fine. Looking forward to sleeping tonight, however….

Process January 30, 2005

Practiced at Open Door in the city today. This weekend has been beautiful with cloudless, sunny skies and relatively warm temps, and the studio is perfectly suited to benefit from such weather. Big west and north facing windows let in the morning sun making the practice room very inviting. The temperature was nice and warm as well, though it was quite crowded- six inches between mats on both sides. I don’t mind that much, but it definitely requires some strategy and timing certain manuevers based on what and how fast the people on each side are practicing.

My practice started with me feeling somewhat drained, so I kept the pace slow and deliberate, focusing on the process. I got very warm and flexibility was good. Mari D on both sides unassisted again, and things were generally smooth. By keeping my pace a little slower, I conserved enough energy so that I was ready for my second series poses. My stamina began to wane around dhanurasana, but this is the first time doing the poses in over a week and my strength is just coming back, so that was no surprise. I did manage to stick the handstand out of laghuvajrasana, however, which was nice. I had no one in front of me, which is hardly ever the case at 7th Heaven, so I was able to go for it more than I usually do. Backbending was an adventure! Leigha had me doing tic-tacs and after suggested working on handstands. That was where I ran out of steam. Despite my success earlier, I just couldn’t get myself stable due to plain-old fatigue. No worries. I’ll not be doing those for a while at my own studio, depending on whenever my teacher decides to give me the viparita chakrasana sequence. Finishing poses were nice, as I was able to keep my lotus in those with little discomfort. In matsyasana, I experienced a wonderful stretch deep in the thighs (probably the psoas) from the lotus. Got a nice breakfast with Neti, his girlfriend (they were both practicing also), and a buddy of mine from 7th Heaven after practice.

I’ve decided to start commenting on something that I’ve been reluctant to write about. The reason for beginning to include this is because of how very relevant it is be to my practice and the very motivations that drive me. My 93 year-old grandfather has recently been diagnosed with malignant bone cancer. This is no surprise, as it is one of the metastisization routes for prostate cancer, which he has had for over 4 years. Due to his advanced age even when he found out about the prostate cancer, he elected to treat it with hormone shots, rather than risk surgery, with the full knowledge that his current situation would one day happen. He’s nothing if not settled with his life. I’ve had frank conversations with him about feeling ready to die, about looking back, about his concerns and his process in being at the twilight of his life. Yesterday I spoke with him on the phone for almost an hour, and he’s still in wonderful spirits, very at ease with the approaching end. He’s incredibly sharp, surfing the net and emailing even now, after just learning personal computers in the last 6 or 7 years. It’s a remarkable thing to witness, and his attitude at this point in his life is demonstrative of something I’ve been attempting to cultivate in myself for several years- living life with the full acceptance of inevitable death. His principle source of worry has only been the care of his wife after he’s gone. She’s advancing in dementia, and is heavily dependent on him for her well-being. Recently my grandfather has established the plan for her after he passes with her daughter and son-in-law (she is my grandfather’s second wife- my father’s mother passed when I was very young). I asked and he told me yesterday that having that all decided has lifted a burden for him to be sure. So his affairs are in order (in typical Virgo fashion). I started crying after we hung up, even though there was no particular thought that generated the tears. I guess the reality that I’m going to have to say goodbye is finally here. I wonder if I’ll ever know someone who is as prepared as he.

My practice has always been about establishing a spirtual path. The reason for this is because I have long ago identified with the truth that death is the only guarantee in life, and that accepting this can only make life more vibrant. But I feel very deeply that while I will live my life as fully and as powerfully as possible, the fact remains that I am a piece of something so much larger that connects us all. It’s the desire to live aware of that in every moment that has drawn me to spiritual practices, of which yoga has provided the best fit. Watching my grandfather at this stage of his life is so simply a validation of that. He, too, is a deeply spiritual man, and I know that plays a tremendous part in his inspiring performance now.

Jah January 28, 2005

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrr. That was the sound I just let out. I needed it. It’s been a long week. Of course, most of the week involved me fighting some virus or another, but it still felt long. And it’s still going. Friday is here. And despite the fact that I’ll have to put significant time in tomorrow in the lab (and some Sunday as well), I still feel the happy freedom of Friday’s arrival. Perhaps it’s just because I don’t have to get up early tomorrow. That has a lot to do with it for sure.

Practice today was not ideal. If I harken back to my comparison with house prices in California, today would be down around $200k home. Not great. Either really messed up in any place you’d want to live, or kinda nice and in the boonies. Not great at all. I was feeling drained really, and had the sensation of efforting through everything much more than usual. I don’t like that sensation. My flexibility was good, it was just that my muscles were seriously worn out. This week I’ve had horrible balance problems in uttitha hasta padangusthasana. Without fail, every day I’ve practiced, I’ve fallen out of almost every stage of that pose on the right, and once or so on the left. Lame. It’s by far my least favorite pose. I used to love it down in SD where the teachers tried to adjust most people most days with that pose. For some reason up here I’ve gotten an adjustment there twice in the whole time I’ve been practicing here. Consequently, I’ve improved very little, if at all. Not that I really care, as that pose just seems foreign to me anyway, but this week has been particularly bad. Hmmmm what else…well mari D on the second side was not happening today. I couldn’t figure out how to get into it like I did on Wednesday. Weird. Although it does confirm my suspicion that it’s more about technique for me now than flexibility. Fair enough. I’ll figure it out again, and this time take notes! Practice Sunday is going to be in the city at Open Door with what seems to be a crew of people from my studio. That’ll be interesting. At least breakies afterward will be fun!

On the horse again… January 27, 2005

…or something like that. On the road again? On the crazy mad schedule of grad school again? Yep. Getting up today was not quite as easy. There’s something about when the clock has a number smaller than 6 on the hour hand, it’s just not great to be up then. But alas, I pulled myself away from bed, realizing that yes, in fact, I have kicked my cold and it’s time to get back in the swing of things. Practice was nice. The room was warm and I got started at 5min after 6. I had already made an agreement with myself to only do first series again, although this time I added the vinyasas between sides. That satisfied my urge for more exertion, without pushing myself too much. I was feeling the difference, too. My stamina is definitely down still, which is to be expected. Asanas felt basically the same today as yesterday, not any excess soreness like I thought there would be. Backbending was very open- the most open it’s felt with only first series since I began the second series backbending. Despite the conspicuous absence of our teacher, there was still a good turnout and a good amount of energy in the room.

The bus was late as usual- late enough that the next bus was right behind us (I did get the vespa running though, so had I not been going into the city after school I’d have taken that. I hate AC transit). Classes were informative, if not particularly entertaining. My PI already had the next experiment in his head and told me about it the minute I arrived in the lab. You’re back, you’re still alive, good. Now lets get moving! I got it running with no slow-down. Going to have to watch it over the weekend of course. Hopping a train in half an hour to go see Neti in the city. Three or more things planned for the weekend already. Next week the new prospective grad studenst show up and I’m part of the showing-them-around committee. Can’t belive it’s been a year since I was up here for interviews. I give a talk tomorrow, next Friday, the following Monday, there’s a seminar tomorrow too, plus three meetings next week. Yep- back on the horse. As my grandfather on my mother’s side used to say, “life is not for the timid.” It’s nice to be feeling healthy, that’s for sure.

Slowly January 26, 2005

So I got up to my cell phone ringing with Neti telling me that he was getting on a train in San Francisco to come meet me. After I hung up I realized how good I felt, which was a weird sensation- it was like I hadn’t been sick at all. So I did my nauli and my other morning routines, grabbed my stuff and got in the car to pick up Neti from the BART station. We got to the studio a little before 7. This is later than usual for me, but I needed that anyway. The room was pretty much full at that point and nice and warm. My practice began, well, uneventfully. That is to say, it was just fine. I felt great! After yesterday and Monday especially, I never dreamed I’d have a normalish practice this quickly. I took it easy anyway- only vinyasas between poses. Everything felt good and open, and today I had a major first: I bound Mari D on both sides BY MYSELF. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, and you’ve read all the shit about my knee issues and injuries, etc., you’ll understand how cool this is for me. Holy cow, I couldn’t belive it, but there it was. I’ve been practicing for nearly four years at this point. Four years later, I’ve got Mari D on both sides without assistance. Granted, like everything else, it may not be there tomorrow, but it’ll be around more frequently now, and soon it’ll be there all the time. How amazing. My lotus felt good too. It’s powerful to see how much this method works when you just stop trying to move forward, give in to the process, your teacher, and just let it happen.

The room became quite full toward the end. I think there must have been almost 30 people by the time Neti and I left (I know he only said 15, but he’s not used to crowds ), and for good reason. My teacher is leaving to Mysore tonight, returning to teach on March 6th. Everyone wanted to get one last vibe in from the man. I’m going to miss him. When he leaves the energy of the studio certainly takes a dive. The last time he was gone was several months ago for a month in NYC. It’s not the same. But our core group that is there every day will certainly try to keep up the energy level. Several of us have already talked about that.

So I had enough energy at the end of practice to tempt myself into doing my second series poses, but I remembered how tiring that can be when I’m at full strength, and called it quits after setu bandhasana. I only did three stand-up/drop-backs and moved onto finishing poses. I’m glad I did. After practice as Neti and I sat chatting at breakfast, I realized how depleted I still am from the sickness, and even decided to take one more day away from the lab. My energy is low and I’m still mentally slow. That’s a good place to make mistakes and break something/hurt somebody/screw up an experiment. I’ll be back tomorrow, and probably work over the weekend, but I needed to make sure I got a little more rest. I have been studying and preparing talks at home anyway, so it hasn’t been a total waste of time. Next week is my last week in this lab rotation too, necessitating winding down anyway and getting things ready for my exit presentation next Friday. I’ll get one more experiment in before I leave I think, and then it’s on to lab #3. This first year certainly is crazy with the bouncing around that we do….

Sickie moon January 25, 2005

Well, the full moon finds me sick as a dog. How lovely. Last Friday it began, and over the course of Saturday and Sunday, I actually thought I had beat it. Didn’t party much at the acoustic show, despite the madness (I only stayed up late), ate well, drank lots of fluids, yadda yadda, and on Sunday night I was looking forward to practice the next morning. And then I woke up yesterday morning. Or tried to. Not good. Bad sicky pooh. Went right back to bed. When I finally got up around 8 after 10 hours of sleep and still felt like ass, well, I realized things had taken a turn for the worse. Today I’m not sure they’re better. Slept until 9 this morning, which I guess means I’m not going to classes. Jeez. There is a little bit I can get done for the week at home so I’m going to try and do that. What a bummer. I’m going to practice tomorrow come hell or high water, that’s for sure. Even if I’m only doing the most stripped-down, basic practice, I’m going to do something regenerative (plus I’m hoping my resolve will act somewhat psycho-somatically on my disease- shhhh don’t tell it). I can tell I need some gentle stretching today in fact. After a warm bath. Uhhhg.

Whoa partner January 21, 2005

That’s what my bod was saying when I woke up this morning. This week has been a smacker as far as increases in stress, with classes starting, lots going on in the lab, two presentations, homework, and prep for this show at my place tomorrow night, and that doesn’t count the week before where I didn’t even get a weekend prior due to being in the lab. Whoa is right. I’ve been getting plenty of sleep, though, eating well, and drinking tons of water. Nevertheless, my condition when I awoke strangely resembled that of coming down with a cold. Naawwww. Can’t be I thought. I’m just worn down. I’ll take it easy in practice though, skip vinyasas in between sides. And though I did that, I’m sitting here in the lab sniffling away to the obvious point that yes, indeed, I have just begun a cold. Fuck. I hate being under the weather. But practice was good!

I took it slow and tried to conserve energy today. That set up a nice, fluid pace, with plenty of strength for my vinyasas, which felt really good. Everything was nice and open, and I had good heat. I had a devil of a time balancing in utthita hasta padangustasana though. Yesterday was worse however. I now see that was most likely due to fighting a cold. The first symptoms are grumpiness, excessive thirst, and lack of coordination. Then there is muscle soreness, and finally the sniffles.

Time for a day where I go home early, take a nice long hot bath, and then who knows what. My lil sister is coming in from Seattle today, and I’m not in much condition to entertain her. Tomorrow is going to be a full day. I’ve got to go get supplies for lighting and deco for the show, then deal with alcohol supplies, fixing the vespa (the weather has been great lately and I’ve been resenting the bus lines- always late and unpredictable), and hanging remaining art items so they’re not on the floor. Then my partner in crime with this show will show up and we’ll rearrange furniture, set up the PA, get the lighting situ figured out, bombproof as much of the place as possible, and hunker down for the onslaught! I’ve gotten tons of positives from folks, and I’m excited to have a full house for the bands. However it makes me nervous because of the sheer potential for mess. Oh well. If we can put together a great show, then our third one, which we’re already planning for a proper venue like a bar, should be even better. We’re just trying to put together interesting sets, expose folks from different crowds to each other and new music, and give the local artists some good exposure as well. Here’s the promo for our show:

Clockwise: Damond Moodie, Cyndi and Bronker, Why are boys always like this?, Lullaby Crush

Blog author sighting! (x2) January 20, 2005

As I walked out of class today, a familiar face was walking in. Not that I’ve ever seen her personally, but I recognized Sarah of Round The World through the many pictures on their blog. Well, I recognized her kinda. Not enough for me to immediately say hi with confidence, and by the time I thought to ask her, she was in the studio. As I got my things together in the little cubby room outside of the practice room though, Rich walked in, and I immediately said “Is your name Rich?” He said yes and I told him I knew him from the blog. He smiled and we exchanged a few words. So apparently the fat lady has sung (in reference to the blog title that’s up right now on their blog), they’re back in the bay area from their travels. I asked if they normally practiced at 7th Heaven, since they could’ve been there before I moved up, but Rich said no, it was Sarah’s second and his first time there. I wonder if they’re going to start coming to our studio. I didn’t have time to get into details, not to mention he was probably wanting to get in to practice. So that’s fun! First time meeting a blogger without it being a planned meeting or being introduced. Hehehe- Suburbfreak and I are going to have to compare notes on who’s met the most bloggers- she’s got me on ezboarders for sure, but I may have the lead with bloggers.

So practice was nice today. It was super warm upon entry, and my teacher and one other student were already practicing. I really enjoy it when my teacher is in the room. Since it’s only happened twice for me, I’m still not used to it. Coming from my dance background, where everything is demonstrated first and then attempted by the students, it’s soothing for me to have my teacher practicing in the same room. Although the dristi issue sort of makes that a moot point, but I still enjoy having him there.

Things went smoothly. I was able to bind mari D on the left by myself, and get fingertips touching on the right. That’s as close to getting both sides without assistance as I’ve ever been. The left is particularly easy for me (well, I mean left as in left arm wrapping) because that shoulder is looser. The right is going to take a little longer. I started loosing my concentration around the end of first series because the person next to me was doing some funky research stuff in second series and it really annoyed me. Some days I don’t mind, but today it just got me on an internal rant and it took some serious work to move beyond. Didn’t do so well at it, actually. I even thought up a whole diatribe to write down. Oh well. I’m not going to go on about it here. I’m not the teacher, and someone else’s practice is not really my business. I’m going to do things the way I’ve been taught and stay out of it, despite my strong opinions (do I have any other kind?) about the philosophical issues here. Second series poses were nice and backbending was especially easy. I’ve gotten good ankle grabs this week and that always makes me feel great. And the tattoo wasn’t really buggin today which was super nice. The first bits of it have healed and I can start to see the real ink underneath- it’s looking pretty great. Much better than I thought it would even.

Ouch January 19, 2005

That’s kinda the theme this week. How many maneuvers can I get away with in my practice that don’t either hurt too badly (due to the tattoo) or don’t actually rip the wound open. Today I could have sworn on at least three occasions that I was going to be bleeding. Not so. I’m such a wimp. I’ve told about a hundred people that if I didn’t know meditation techniques, there’d be no way for me to get tattoos because I have no pain tolerance. Oh well, it’s a good thing I know said techniques becasue I love tattoos. For those of you who have never had one, the healing process takes a week or two and the whole time it’s happening, you have what amounts to a pretty serious abrasion with scabbing. So you get the tight itchy skin and all the happiness that goes with that, of course.

Practice was pretty good in spite of some things being hampered by the new ink. Mostly like yesterday. I’ve been feeling some weird sensations in my sacrum this week, which I’m sure has something to do with the lotus work that is now happening for me. Seems I’m getting deeper in there, and I can even feel it during backbending. Things were generally nice today. The room wasn’t quite as warm as it was yesterday, but it was still doable. I took my time today since I didn’t have class, and that was nice. On Tuesdays and Thursdays now I have to get out of the studio at ten to 8 rather than 8 and that kinda bites. But that meant today was lux. Sweet. Spent a little time chatting afterwards and then was off to the races. Oh, and I fell out of headstand today for the first time in a really long time. That’s gotta happen every once in a while to keep us humble, eh? Nice. Tuck the chin and roll out- try to make it look graceful at least. Then sit up and ponder how that happened for a breath before scampering back to the mat to go back up. Long savasana, too.

back to work.

Back with more decoration January 18, 2005

I was a little worried about how the new ink would affect my practice. I can’t remember how it was the last time I got work done on my arm, but today wasn’t that bad at all. Just a little tenderness. The main places I had to be careful were whenever I was both flexing the tricep and moving the arm against some part of my body, like setting up for certain poses. Mostly it had to do with either my little towel or my shorts rubbing on the tattoo area, because skin to skin contact was relatively indifferent due to the amount of sweat. Jump thrus had to be done carefully so as to not rub my shorts on my arm. However, despite the potential for pain, I had a remarkably nice practice. In fact, I really enjoyed myself. Everything felt nice and open, and my lotus is still there. I’m very pleased about that. I have decided to take it easy during the finishing poses this week, however, as that was an area that was starting to show resistance to the lotus during the end of last week. Nothing really noteworthy happened today, but I did have a really nice practice. Backbends were super-open, though my teacher decided not to pull my hands onto my ankles, despite an easy walk-in to the heels. No worries, there’s always more time for doozy backbending. Second series poses felt particularly strong, no doubt due to the three day rest and the fact that my stamina was finally up to par last week. I’m really looking forward to tommorrow’s practice. Should be nice.

Ok, I’m still at the lab and now that my system is up and running and looking good I can go home and prepare a talk for tomorrow. Oh. I started classes today. Looks like they’re going to be much easier than last semester- I don’t even have any reading assigned yet!