Well, it’s official. The Wall is real. I had basically the same practice today that I did Wednesday. Sore, hurting, tight. Running into a wall. Almost everything can be attributed to extremely sore hips, and now the left side is getting into the game too. It’s like everything between my knees and my middle back is totally locked down. Obviously, if the illiopsoas is one of the main players in my hip issues, that would make sense. I guess it’s time to just take it easy, back off on the baddha k opening until I can stand to get back to those adjustments. Even in backbends I’m noticing the connection to the tightening of the hips. Bending in my low back directly pulls on the muscles in the hip that hurt in baddha k. So, well, there’s not much else to say. Keep practicing, keep being patient, keep letting the practice tell me how to move forward. I can see how this could continue in spurts, slowly opening the hips over a long period of time. I’m going to try to go to our Saturday morning mysore tomorrow so that I can get one more in this week and make up for the fact that I’ll not be going to practice on Sunday morning. I expect tomorrow night to be quite late, amongst other things….
Nope October 27, 2004
No difference today. I was really hoping that for some reason I’d wake up and all the soreness and discomfort from practice yesterday would be gone. Didn’t happen. I had a fairly decent practice, in spite of the sorness in the hips, the pain, and the tightness in my back, mostly because I saw it coming and allowed myself all the modifications I needed but also because I was more steeled against it. I did stop at navasana today, though, and took a big savasana- like twenty minutes or more. Things were just plain hurting today. For example, getting into marichyasana B on the right hurt like hell just bringing the right thigh up against the resistance of my left foot in half-lotus (or at least my modified version). I could barely bind in mari C, which is ridiculous, due to the discomfort in the hip of the bent leg. Backbends were tight, but I did assists anyway. Barely got my fingers walked to my heels at the end, and my teacher didn’t even try to adjust me in that pose. In fact, as I walked over to the finishing poses area, he looked at me and with a smile said “you know tomorrow’s a moon day, right?” I must’ve looked like I needed it. I do.
I must be fighting some bug or something. I’ve had a mild headache for part of the day, and I’ve been excessively tired for the last couple days. There’s so much junk going around right now, and so far I’ve dodged a couple that many grad students have come down with. I had to take a few days off a couple weeks ago because I was feeling like crap. I’m not that bad yet, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the soreness, fatigue, etc. is all coming from my body being busy with other more important things, like fighting disease. That’s cool.
I decided in my practice today to just take it as it comes. No need to fight it. If I have to back off, for a week or a month or whatever, because of the pain- that’s fine. I’m just hitting a patch here where things are forcing me to slow down, and that’s part of the process. I have to keep reminding myself about the agreement I made with myself when my left knee got hurt- that my practice is no longer the place where I push myself or expect results. I’ve got to do that in school, not on the mat. When I get really cool progress, I get attached to maintaining it, but this is a perfect reminder to roll with it, just let my practice tell me what to do. Hitting a wall like this certainly is a nicer reminder than getting injured, that’s for sure.
Balance day October 26, 2004
While my practice as a whole yesterday was not all that great, it certainly had a breakthrough in backbends. Today I guess I paid for that. In spades. With every pose, the practice felt worse and worse. I woke up with my right hip hurting- that’s never happened before. Hurting in the sense that it was sore, not that it felt injured. It’s also radiating down my thigh, now, too rather than just staying in the hip. I couldn’t seem to get the heat going in sun salutations, even though I did a couple extras. And, my wrists were a little sore in the first couple sun sals, which I haven’t felt in a really long time. Always a bad sign. When the wrists start to hurt, that usually means it’s time for a fast- too much toxic shit building up in the joints. During standing poses, my hip was really complaining, which it’s been doing, but not to this degree. Parivritta parsvokonasana on the right sucked- that’s where my hip hurts the most in standing- I couldn’t even get my left palm down today. Any time I’m in one of the lunge poses with the right leg bent and the hips trying to rotate, it hurts quite a bit. Ardha baddha padmottanasana was extremely painful, and that was just standing there with my right foot halfway up my left thigh, trying to let the knee just drop on it’s own. Oh, yeah, and the knees were complaining big time today. The beginning of the series was ok, but I immediately realized I was lacking in strength even compared to yesterday. I was keeping my bandhas just fine, but I was having trouble keeping the feet as high as usual in my jump-backs/thrus. Janu sirsasana hurt a lot in the hip and even the knees were uncomfortable there. Again, not a good sign. Mari A on the right has been getting pretty uncomfortable due to the right hip having to contract, and I’ve noticed a deterioration of my ability to bind as closely there over the weeks. I can still get my wrist, but it takes much more finagling to get it. Mari C on the right has sucked for a while for the same reasons, and today it just plain-old hurt to sit there with the right foot in and try to twist against the hip like that. Funny, all through this, though, I didn’t manage to convince myself that I should stop. Supta k was difficult to bind, and then finally baddha k came along. My teacher came over and I thought I’d give it a whirl, but after he adjusted my thighs and began to lean forward, I could absolutely not overcome the sensation that every cell in my body was screaming “NO!â€? I just shook my head and said “I can’t,â€? the pain was already too bad for me to handle today. He just kept the adjustment of the legs and reminded me of bandhas and we held A for a while and that was it. Somewhere around when I said I can’t, the tears started to well up, and when he left me I literally just had to sit there hugging my knees and cry. No joke that was the worst experience of that pose I’ve ever had. I was completely overwhelmed with the pain of it, the lack of control over my body, and the total inability to surrender into it. Backbending fell in line with the rest of the practice. I was tight, though not sore, and my first stand up barely happened. I did two drop back/stand ups just to get a little more opening in the back and bowed out. Finishing asanas were a little shorter than usual- I wanted a good long savasana, since I figured at least in that pose I wouldn’t be hurting somewhere.
Walking out of the studio, I felt sore everywhere. My whole body just hurt. I felt like I’d been caught inside on a huge day back at Black’s in SD where some monstrous wave appears out of nowhere and looms up over you and you have no choice but to bail and swim for the bottom but there’s no escaping it and it just takes you and tears your limbs in every direction and pounds you into the sand and wrings you around and doesn’t let you get air until finally, after you thought you were going to die and didn’t and then thought it again and then really began believing it, it lets you up. Just writing the part about where I broke down made me feel emotional all over again. I don’t know what has happened today. I got plenty of sleep last night- I even woke up feeling great. I haven’t been eating poorly, either, so I don’t think that’s it. Maybe it’s just a huge pendulum swing from the severity of that opening in backbends yesterday. Like my body today is just raw and needs to stay protected and walled-in and any attempts to break through that are met with physical and emotional resistance. I’m very curious how practice will go tomorrow. I’m glad the moon day is Thursday, because I really think I need to follow this practice up with another.
Holy $#&%! October 25, 2004
So the beginning and the end of my practice couldn’t have been more different. I’ll save the suspense and start with the end- I completely grabbed my ankles in adjusted backbends and was able not only able to hold on but actually straighten my arms a bit. I think I held that for about 5 or 6 breaths, after all the breaths of walking in the hands, etc. When I came up I almost left my body! Seriously, it was whacked. It wasn’t like I was going to black out- I’ve felt that before. No, it was more like I was leaving my body. I have no way to describe it, except for adding that I felt like I was floating away. I had to focus hard on my breathing and contract the bandhas to keep my body from falling down. Total weirdness. And great, too. No soreness after, nothing. Just a solid breakthrough in my backbending. Up to this point, I’ve managed to have my fingers clinging to the little ankle-bone knobs on the sides there, and sometimes have gotten one hand to the ankle at a time, only to have it slip off when my teacher brought the other one up. So this was a major step forward, I must say. My teacher had me set up differently today, and I’m thinking that’s the cause of it. Instead of dropping back and immediately walking the hands in as far as I could, he had me walk the hands in a bit, straighten the arms, walk in so I was just touching my heels, then straighten again, and then from there he just said “relax” and put one hand on the ankle at a time. Of course, it helped that I’d toweled off my ankles before starting, too. Whoo Hoo!
It’s amazing to me that I had that kind of a finale after the beginning of practice. I slept terribly last night, so I was tired when I got to the studio. I even had convinced myself that I was only going to practice to navasana. My head was so scattered during the main part of the practice, too. I couldn’t hold my bandhas, I was thinking about all kinds of things and distracting myself, I wasn’t all that warm, I think the dristi was fine, but only because I was so in my head that the eyes were just going on muscle memory, because several times I had to try and remember what I had just did and I had no visual recollection of the previous pose. When I got to navasana, though, I was beginning to feel a little more focused, and I talked myself into just going for the rest of the series. Glad I did. Baddha k, baddha k, baddha k- what else can I say? Hey! Jeez. Emotional Baggage Baddha Boy del este checking in as requested, sir! After that I was back into my normal practice, though granted there’s not a whole lot left at that point. It’s like the pain slapped me back to the normal deal.
The room was very empty for the early part of practice, but when I left it was crowded. Everyone came late today. Oh! A very celebratory moment in the life of a budding scientist happened to me today. The first of several papers on which I am an author from my job prior to grad school was finally published and my name is now visible to online index searches. For those of you who don’t know about this, all of academic science is based on how many and of what quality publications you have. To find a given person and see what they’ve done, you can go to a couple different indicies and do a name search. So now I’ve officially contributed to the world of research science and can be found as a published author by anyone! A very cool moment for me! Wheee!
Good Sunday October 24, 2004
I always seem to forget how much I like practicing on Sundays. I guess that’s usually because I’m thinking about it on Saturday night, forcing myself to drink water instead of another beer, looking at my watch to see how much longer before I have to bug out, being asked by friends why I’m leaving, etc. Those are moments where it’s fairly easy to forget how much I like Sunday practice. But I’m always quickly reminded of how much I like it when I wake up. No pressure. No time constraint. Nothing I need to worry about immediately after. The time is completely open-ended to me, and I can really focus on my practice with depth that usually requires more effort in concentration.
I had a good practice. Nice and open, light, floaty. There was a buzz in the room almost. It seemed like everyone was fairly high energy. Oh, well, duh- I just remembered Tuesday (or soon anyway) is the full moon, so that might account for some of that buzz. It’s so nice when that kind of energy is present. It helps. I got into Mari D on the right today, and I even did Mari B on the left for the first time since I messed the knee up there. Baddha k, well, yeah- same as usual. I haven’t mentioned pasasana in a while, but it’s basically stagnated, and I think a lot of that has to do with the hips. My teacher has to put me in the pose, and I can’t balance on the first side yet with my heels flat. Second side is easier due to better flexibility in the left shoulder and I can actually hold that side on my own. But it’s a lot of effort getting into the pose.
I might add that there is one thing that really messes up doing pasasana correctly (well- I’m sure there are many things, but this one was present today). It’s when a new bloke comes to the studio with a super advanced practice and he’s right behind me pressing into handstands from navasana while I’m trying to concentrate in pasasana. Normally I wouldn’t even see it, but since I’m in the front of the room and am rotated looking behind me…that’s such an amazing thing to see- it’s a little hard to focus on pasasana. Beautiful. At my old studio I was actually working on that. It’s darn hard, I can tell you that. I could get all the way to handstand, but couldn’t do it with enough control to be balanced when I got there, so I always needed my teacher to spot me. It’s a trip to see someone just smoothly press into it. Yeah, not many things that pull dristi like that.
October 22, 2004
Finally outta the lab, with a great set of data no less, and that means Happy Friday to me! Wheee! I had an interesting morning today. Since yesterday was such a slow day, I put some effort into getting my transitions back to a more efficient mode. I wanted to concentrate mostly on keeping the flow today since I wanted some good lab time and also was just feeling the need for heat and progress. It was a super big class today, despite yesterday’s smallness. Weird how that happens. I haven’t detected a pattern in any way with class size dips like yesterday’s. Practice went well. No serious changes from yesterday. I fully planned on not pushing myself in baddha k, but my teacher was there before I even got into the pose, waiting for me. I decided not to call him off and down I went. It was the usual hellacious journey, but alas, I figure it’s not all that different from one time to the next so there can’t be anything terrible happening in there. I didn’t get adjusted in backbends today. The class was super full at that point and I didn’t feel like waiting much, so I just went into finishing poses and headed out from there. All in all a satisfying way to end the week. Good practice, good lab day, good meetings with another lab and some fellow students. Happy Friday!
Slow day October 21, 2004
Everything about today has been a little slower than usual. I took a couple minutes longer getting to the studio, a couple minutes longer getting set up, a breath or two longer in each pose so a few minutes longer in practice, a few minutes longer talking to people after (there’s actually not any of that, usually), it took longer to get home, I had an appointment that was late, etc. I didn’t go into lab today before class for that appointment, and instead took the opportunity to clean my bathroom on a fine scale. Basically, I was taking my sweet-ass time with everything today.
Practice was mostly uneventful- backbends were great, slow, grabbing ankles- except for the inescapable hip issue. That’s what I’m going to refer to it as now. Since I really don’t know which muscles are being affected, and since the location keeps shifting anyway, all I can really point to in a word is “hip.” My right hip. But it’s not the hip, in terms of the joint, it’s the muscles surrounding it. Them. They’re getting ripped open (damn, Neti, I forgot to smile today- I was too busy whimpering 
). Lately my teacher hasn’t been adjusting me as deeply in supta kurmasana, and I’ve been wondering why. Today I found out. He got to me in kurmasana and pulled my hands together much further up my back than I usually clasp. Or he tried to. Upon adjusting them up high and bringing them togther, my hip fired up, suddenly enough to cause sound to come out of me, without my control. That in and of itself was quite surprising, but even more so was the sudden realization of how my hip is getting in the way of that pose. I physically don’t have the range of motion there that I used to. I can still cross my ankles, but before we started intense baddha k adjustments every day, I was so deep into supta k that my left calf was behind my neck. Now it’s barely the ankle. And I pop out of urdhva dwi pada every time after a breath or two. At least now I know how it’s all connected.
I was certain today that I was going to take it easy in baddha k, but my teacher came over and we went for it anyway. I’m learning a lot about myself here, that’s for sure. When I have reassurance, I’ll go for it. When I know something painful is coming, I resist until it’s unavoidable. Once I’m far enough into the pose, the pain shifts and is no longer as unbearable. When I’ve got my forehead down on the floor, I have enough confidence that I’m not going to have my leg ripped off that I can actually extend further, despite the discomfort. This is all on the right side, which traditionally represents the masculine side of things, the yang side.
Hmmmm. Baddha k is about sexuality, about previous relationships, and I’ve already discussed at length how I have a lot of insecurity there, and it’s held on the masculine side. Somewhere in the blog, back a ways, you’ll find me talking about learning to accept myself as a man. That’s recent work coming out of therapy from a few months past. I realized then that I’ve basically hated men most of my life (father stuff), and had strived to be less man-like, less responsive to my masculine side, in an effort to be less like a “typical guy.” For a woman to say something like “you’re such a guy” a year ago would have been the worst insult I could imagine. For years I’ve tried to be different, to be more what women would want because I had this deep disdain for men. But in the last year, I’ve embarked on an understanding of where that comes from, and really begun accepting myself in all ways, including being a man. A sensitive, yet hungry, exploring, inquisitive, empathic, moody, emotional, aggressive, impatient (at times), heterosexual (that’s actually an important thing to accept, too) man. It’s not surprising to me that now as I get deeper under the layers that I’m discovering physical repositories of self disdain. Sexual insecurity with women coming up on the masculine side. As if all the self-hate for being male, and the quintessential expression of my malenes (my sexuality) have collided in a massive insecurity with how I will be received. And my body just held on to that. Where? Well, where it does- in the place where one has to open themselves to sexual vulnerability- the hips. But it’s a little asymmetrical due to that overemphasis on denying the maleness.
After practice, which was a slow day- not many students, my teacher came out to check in with me and make sure the knees weren’t feeling it in the baddha k adjustments. I said no and he said great. He knows what I’m going through there, but I mentioned that I started crying yesterday and he said that it’s probably going to be like this for a couple of months, unfortunately. I told him I had anticipated that. I don’t expect it to go away soon. It has to get worse before it can get better. It’s usually when you’re thinking “ok, that’s about as much as I can take,” when things actually take a turn for the worse. Then, when you give up, realize that the universe isn’t letting you out of it, and think that you’re completely fucked, THAT’s when the relief comes. THAT’s when the lesson is really learned. At least that’s how it’s gone in my life a number of times, both in personal and professional arenas.
Keep on truckin, keep on practicin. I’ll tell you, the rest of life seems pretty mellow compared to those two hours in the studio every morning!
Oh my! (and “intermediatism”) October 20, 2004
Today I actually did cry after baddha konasana. Not just welling up, but a small amount of weeping. It was the most intense version of any so far. I’ve noticed that the stretch is no longer isolated to the area under the hip flexors, but now it’s moving up through the pelvis and almost to the lower back. I know I’m repeating myself here, but I’m still trying to make sense of it, and also provide a daily report of what’s going on. God it hurts. It took us 13 breaths to get my head down, and this was after doing the pose without adjustment for about 6 breaths, beginning B and hoping my teacher wouldn’t come over and then he did and jeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! I was almost crying before the adjustment, just knowing I was going to have to do it. It took all my focus to calm down and let it happen. Holy cow. When B and C were over, I just pulled my knees up and held myself in a little ball and let it out.
Interestingly, after the pose, the pain went away faster than it has in any other day. Usually all the remaining poses are very difficult (same with jump backs) because of having to lift my legs up and contract those muscles that are getting opened so much. The first couple up-dogs after the pose are excruciating and I usually have to take two to three breaths to get fully into them. Today, however, by ubhaya padangusthasana, the pain was virtually gone. I actually was able to get my flow back before the practice ended. Backbending was outstanding, with nice slow stand-ups, more like roll ups actually, and my drop backs were smooth enough that I could tell I’m probably only “dropping” about an inch anymore. Other than that it’s just go over backwards and put my hands on the floor. Not as much drop as there used to be.
Last night I had a great dinner with Neti. We spent a lot of time talking about dogma, attachment to it, and the different phases of advancement that people go through in any kind of endeavor. I was relating it to my dance experience, where I very clearly remember seeing myself go through a beginning, intermediate, and advanced phase. This was all based around the concept that JMS brought up on his Flying Monkey blog- see my link, he still hasn’t blogged since this last one- about people getting less dogmatic with more time in the practice. I related that it’s typical to see the people who are “advanced” at something being self-confident and often that brings about a sense of calmness and open-mindedness with whatever one is doing. Advanced dancers were always the easiest to talk to and the most friendly, because they weren’t trying to compete as much. They already knew where they were and didn’t need to prove it to anyone. Beginners are simple: they are so excited to learn that they are just open minds, craving info and, since they are beginners, don’t have any sense of trying to show they are not. Intermediates, however are a different case. I remember going through that in my dance career, so it’s easy to spot on others. It’s a stage that can last a long time or a short time, and ironically, has more to do with the inward understanding of an endeavor and one’s relationship to that than actual proficiency. However, usually people aren’t comfortable with themselves until they’ve reached a fairly high level of proficiency. While an intermediate, people usually find themselves with more knowledge and ability than beginners, see that for themselves, and realizing the distinction, want others to recognize it as well. This typically shows up as competitive, dogmatic, separatism-type behavior. Wanting to seem distinct from a beginner, yet not having the confidence that an advanced individual shows innately. I had a dance teacher tell me that he’d only work with advanced or beginning students, because intermediates, while usually having the ability to be on stage, were so hard to work with for these reasons. I noticed that in myself- I always was trying to show that I knew what I was doing (by talking about it, arguing about it, trying to draw attention to myself at certain times, etc.), whereas when I became more advanced, there was no need- my actions showed that all by themselves. Anywho, I found it ironic that JMS drew the line between 2nd and 3rd series, which are even NAMED intermediate and advanced! How interesting. Since then I’ve noticed a lot of the correlations that he describes. Granted, not everyone is going to go through this in this order, but for folks in their teens, 20s and 30s (and even 40s in some cases), this “intermediatism” behavior is very easy to find, in any endeavor, be it dance, yoga, or workplace things. Of course, you also have to incorporate where each individual sets their sights at “advanced,” because it is the distance they have to go to THAT (not someone else’s definition of advanced) which will determine how much of these ’symptoms’ they exhibit.
In any case, the discussion was very pertinant to both our lives, as we are both kinda in this intermediate stage of earning our wings in this practice (and in other arenas- especially for me just beginning grad school). It’s quite easy to get very attached to the progress here, because we’ve come a long way. The fact that there’s so much further to go is a good way to remind myself to keep the “beginner’s mind” and simply stay open, enjoying the journey.
Back at it October 19, 2004
I awoke to the sound of rain this morning. It’s been pouring since sometime in the night. I love it when it rains, and for some reason, it made me feel even more happy to practice this morning. Last night I was finally feeling normal again, and this morning was great. Three days off can help with things sometimes. I actually had to remind myself over and over to take it a little easier than I wanted to, because I had tons of energy but didn’t want to over-stretch anything. There was no drumming this morning, thank goodness, and my focus came easily. I had good heat and my back was nice and loose. Twists, up-dogs, all came easily. Bandhas were strong and constant. I took a very conservative approach with my knees, though, as my hips were already sore.
I’ve been sitting on the ground or floor as much as possible in an effort to get my body out of it’s chair-sitting habits. I’ve noticed sitting in chairs causes whatever is deep in my hip and hurting in baddha k to tighten, so I spend almost all my sitting time off of chairs. In any case, the deep hip thing is still hurting like a fiend. Baddha konasansa today was unattainable. We spent about 25 breaths getting me about halfway down. I’m noticing that the pain reaches a plateau, and that’s the only way I can survive it. At some point, it levels off, and I can just breath into it since it’s not getting worse with every millimeter down. I’m also noticing a shift in it’s location. It’s moved kinda toward the outside of my hip now, and I can feel it running along the outside of my sacrum and up to my lower back. This would be consistent with the illiopsoas, plus some other muscles deep in there. Anyhow, coming out of that was hard today, like usual. For the next few poses I have a tough time keeping a flow because lifting my right leg with just leg muscles is almost impossible with the soreness in there.
Backbending was sweet today. I felt like I had a knot or something in the upper lumbar preventing me from bending as much as I could, but it went away during drop backs and I had a great chakra bandhasana. If only my hands and ankles were dry then, I’d actually be able to hold them.
The rain is coming down still. Tonight I get to have dinner with Neti in the city, which will be great- I love getting out in the weather.
Time off October 18, 2004
Saturday came with me feeling a bit under the weather. I was feeling like I might be fighting one of the dozens of diseases going around amongst graduate students, faculty, friends, etc. Then a light clicked on: maybe that’s why my practice Friday was so painful and why I was so grumpy. Definte correlations with getting sick. Saturday evening I cancelled my plans for yet another party, and decided to just sleep until my body awoke, forgoeing practice unless by some miracle I woke up in time to get there. I didn’t. Yesterday was spent on taking it easy, doing homework, and trying to keep the fluids and vitamins running through me. This morning I woke for yoga, got up to test my state of being, and decided to take another day off. I don’t know how long it’s been since I took three days off. Crazy. But usually taking a few days off for me is like hitting a reset button. I spend time detoxing, relaxing, sleeping more, doing a few stretches, and generally taking pressure off my body. Practices coming back usually are great. I haven’t done that since before I came up here. I can hock it to a mid-semester break. We crossed the halfway mark for the semester last week, so it’s all downhill from here. Except for the finals, which are most certainly uphill! Anyway, I thought I’d add some pictures today. We’ll see if I can get this to work.
Suburbfreak and Neti
Gene and me
Lolasana (sans a tattoo on the left arm)
