Problem-solving July 31, 2004

After my intense frustration with my knee yesterday, I went home and studied my anatomy books. I think I’ve figured out the problem. I’ll explain, but first a brief anatomy lesson! The illio-tibial tract (commonly talked about as the “I-T band”) runs down the outside of the thigh to the outside of the knee. It is fascia and ligament (both of which don’t stretch like muscles), but it has a muscle inserting into the top, called the tensor fasciae latae (commonly known as one of the “hip flexors”). Understanding this system was vital to explaining many things I know about my practice. First of all, my hip flexors are abnormally built-up (like you can see a large bulge with an elevated straight leg) from all the ballet training- ok, keep the dirty thoughts about “bulges” down for a second! However, they are not flexible, even though the adductors are. This is why I have so much trouble in baddha konasana, but not in upavista konasana. In fact, it’s the sensation in badda k that allowed me to pinpoint my trouble. In that pose, I feel the stretch mostly at the hip flexors and at the outside of the knee. Now, this tensor fasciae latae/IT tract is responsible for actively rotating the thigh outwards when the knee is straight- another dance training issue. However, in the lotus poses, when the knee is bent, it requires that tract to lengthen as the thigh turns out. This lengthening is what allows the knee to “drop” toward the floor in ardha baddha padma pascimottanasana. If the hip flexors don’t lengthen, the knee stays up. Folding forward simply puts more pressure on the system that is not releasing. Hence, my pain in that pose. However, in the marichyasanas (B and D), the elevation of the hip opposite the bent knee means that the knee doesn’t have to drop as far IN THE DIRECTION CONTROLLED BY THE HIP FLEXORS, and furthermore, the folding forward/twisting is in a different orientation to the tract than in ardha baddha padma pascitmottonasana. This is why the marichyasanas didn’t hurt as much as that first half-lotus pose.

So, I now have a target to work on! I will begin stretching the hip flexors every day, and I’m going to get one of those foam rollers to work on the IT tract. That’s one of the only ways to open up that area. It feels great knowing what’s going on in there, and it’s nice to understand why, for my particular case, the standard hip-opening exercises that I’ve been given haven’t had the expected effect. My hips have become more flexible, but not in all the ways necessary for lotus. It’s because I haven’t been stretching the FRONT of the hips, with all the rest. Easy enough to do, now that I know. Funny how I was banging my head against the same wall over and over. I mean, I did change things each time, but I just never really understood the system until all the recommended hip-opening strategies failed to release the side of the knee. I suppose this could fail too, but the only other muscles going into that part of the knee are my quads and hamstrings, both of which are very flexible (I have no problem doing supta virasana, for example). We’ll see, in any case. It’s very motivating when there’s something to work on, as opposed to simply omitting poses and waiting for it to get better.

Mind change July 30, 2004

Well, today things started great. Good focus, good breath, good heat. But then I got to the floor and my knee was hurting. I’m going to have to give up on it completely. I’ll take a few practices without even doing the half-lotus on the right, then I’ll add heavy modification, and wait for it to get better. It’s totally shot. All poses with it hurt now. Left side is doing fine, and that’s always been my less flexible side, so apparently this is when the two sides even up! When I got to backbends, I was feeling a little stiff, so I did my drop back/stand ups, but skipped the assisted half-backs and chakra bandhasana. It’s time for a little rest with the back, I think. In general, the practice was good, but the reality of my knee setback really slammed home today and instead of feeling (as I have been) hopeful that it would go away soon, I’m now accepting that I’ll be modifying on that side for a while. It’s just a change in mindset. I was getting used to the mindset of everything running smoothly, now I have to get used to the mindset that I have to baby the right knee. A reluctant, but necessary adjustment.

When things go bad, I’m stubborn about letting it affect me. It depends on what is going bad, but I’m not the happiest to jump on the stepping backward bandwagon! Once I change my perspective things are fine, and the stress or worry is gone. But until I accept the new viewpoint, and continue to fight to hold on to the previous truth, my life suffers a bit. I’m happy to change when it’s needed, but when I don’t get to choose the timing, I get pretty grumpy!

Happy Friday! May all who are reading this (and everyone else too!) have a great end of the week. Enjoy yourselves tonight- I’d sure love to be with you….

Dyno-might July 29, 2004

Well, after yesterday being a total wash, today I’m feeling as good as ever. But I’ve had to really back off the right knee it’s not back yet. Not a good time to get impatient. There’s time, I guess. What kills me though is being at a certain place, firmly- for a while, and then having to do less than that as my new status quo. I hate being “demoted” by the universe, my body, whatever. What regression I’ve had with my knee, however, is being made up for with my back. I’m able to do my drop-backs/stand-ups with almost no turnout of the feet now. The front of the body has really loosened up, and my back is taking it well. Slow, steady progress there. That’s how I like it. Rather than the hips- which seems to be steady progress, lock up/hurt the knee, wait a couple months, repeat. Maybe after a dozen more cycles of this I’ll be able to move to 2nd series! It’s amazing how different I felt between yesterday and today, though. Sometimes the body just goes “hold it!” Break time. Now I see the relevance of the moon days. Without that periodic rest, my body’s going to demand it anyway.

I’ve been noticing some negative influences out in the world that are a hallmark of only one thing: Mercury Retrograde. I forgot that it’s coming up, and there’s been too many breakdowns around to ignore, so I checked, and sure enough, August 9th. Which means the early effects are definitely being felt. Thought I’d post this to warn those interested. Basically the whole month of August. Hang on to your butt!

Zapped July 28, 2004

Whoa! I woke up feeling great this morning, but as I began my sun salutations, I quickly recognized how tired I was. Also, my body felt incredibly sluggish and drained. So I only did my sun sals, standing and finishing postures. I guess I needed a break. Since 2 of the 3 moon days this month are on Saturdays, there hasn’t been and won’t be much rest until August. My knee was feeling like shit today also, so I figured a day away from stress won’t be bad. It looks like I’m going to have to ease up on the half-lotus postures on the right side again. So annoying. I have a tough time being patient with these things. Days will go by with no problem at all, then all of a sudden, there’s pain. I have no idea why that happens. I have no choice but to listen to it, however. The class was super-full today, too, which I love- but alas, I couldn’t take advantage of all the extra shakti. There will be another day to practice, however, and another after that….

I watched a movie about a ballet company last night. It was startling how many memories and sensations that brought up from the days when I was dancing. Seeing the politics, the rehersals, the performances, the injuries- all resonated deeply with me. I wasn’t in a ballet company, but modern companies aren’t all that different in the elements of production and lifestyle. It was almost like being back in there for me, with all the sensations of a time long gone. Ashtanga practice is what followed the end of my dance career, and I haven’t looked back much since. Those memories are right under the surface, apparently! How odd. It was nice to reaffirm how wrong that life was for me, and revisit the struggle I had then. It was bouying for the decisions I’ve made since. In fact, none of the pleasure I used to feel when watching such things was there anymore. I think it had a lot to do with the individual pieces the movie showed, most of which I didn’t like, but it’s also obvious to me that I am no longer infatuated by that culture in any way. I still have tremendous respect for the dancers at that level, for they are amazing, but I have no desire to be involved with that life. Ahh, well, I guess that’s why I’m not in it anymore, huh?! This practice is so much better for me, it’s hard to imagine how I spent that much time in something as different. I’m very thankful to be where I am now.

Hole in the Head July 27, 2004

So today I practiced with stitches in my head! Yesterday I got a cyst removed, so today there’s a gaping hole, held together by a little thread and my body’s healing process. It didn’t get in the way though, and I basically forgot about it until matsyasana. Decided to go a little shorter on the headstand today too, since I didn’t want there to be to much pressure on the wound. It didn’t bleed all over the mat, or the rest of my head, or anything like that, so I’m happy it’s not going to interfere with my practice. I have to wait several days before I can wear a hat, though, which also means my helmet- so therefore I can’t ride the Vespa all over like I’m used to. Using a car in Berkeley sucks! For the last seven months, I’ve been working very diligently to open my hips. Since I’ve moved up here I’ve been spending an hour a night doing various hip openers before going to bed. Last night I watched “Step Into Liquid” on my laptop while stretching. That’s the best way to open hips that I’ve tried! Soaking up my attention in visual stimulation like that allowed me to sit in badda konasana for like 20 minutes! I didn’t even realize my knees were on the ground after a couple minutes of it! That’s usual during first series, but not when I’m cold, late at night. It’s definitely beginning to take the pressure off the knees. After years of exploration, I’ve realized that whatever it’s called, my main problem is that the muscles that go from deep inside the pelvis, along the outside of the hamstring, and to the outside of the knee are very tight- disproportionately to the rest of the muscles in the leg/hip. In various hip openers, I can feel different parts along that track light up, and I’m deducing it’s probably all one thing. Maybe the illio-psoas, I dunno. But intensive, consistent work is finally having an effect. I love how yoga simply just takes time. It works for everyone, and everything, it’s just that certain things/people take longer. But they will change. It’s not like there’s something that you’ll never do, it’s only what you have time to wait for…. Not all of life is like that, so it’s a very liberating technique! Anyway, off to meet the pops for the day.

Bueno!

Ahhhh…. July 26, 2004

What a nice day it is already. Practice was smooth and deep. Mostly everything is functioning well, except that knee in that one pose. But I’ve already mentioned that a bit. I practiced next to two of the other few men in our group today. I know, a lot of Ashtanga has lots of guys, but our studio is 75% women, I’d say. There are 6 men who I can think of that practice regularly, and a couple others that drop in here and there. Two of the six are working on second series now. One of them was on one side, and another working on first was on the other side. I don’t believe I’ve ever practiced with men on each side- it was a cool experience. Both have a very nice energy. Chanting the opening prayer had a whole different tint to it as well. I can usually only hear myself and the people next to me. Since today that meant all men, the tone of the prayer was substantially lower and deeper- a good change-up.

I think I appreciated this experience today so much because one of the themes in my life recently has been connecting with other emotionally available men. I’ve been fortunate to have that happen occasionally through my life. This might sound strange coming from a heterosexual man, but I’ve realized that having strong bonds with other men is very necessary for me. It’s important for me to have close, supportive men in my life. I’ve never really given myself permission to desire this. But I did mention “emotionally available.” That’s key. Many men are wounded enough in childhood by oppressive male (or female, actually) role models regarding how they express themselves (don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about- that kind of thing) that by the time they’re out of puberty, they’ve become emotionally locked up, unexpressive and out of touch. I have spent the majority of my life with men like that. It’s a lonely existence. I’m sure many of you ladies out there can relate to trying to have relationships with men like this. I’m incredibly grateful for the few strong bonds I’ve been able to form over the years. I’m hoping to find more up here. Yoga studios are a good place to run into men like this. It’s not that I’m expecting to exclude myself from social interactions with men who are damaged beyond effective intimate conversations- I just know that now I’m ALSO looking to build healthy, non-sexual, intimate relationships with men. This is why I enjoy practicing next to other men- it’s nice to see more of us out there. At my studio in San Diego, there were very few men. Here there are only slightly more, so it’s nice when it works out like it did today.

Berkeley, fifth week, day 1 July 25, 2004

Back at it. Today I was a little skitzo with my breath. The room was colder than usual, so I had less heat than usual early in the practice. I think that was the reason for the wierd breath. Consequently, b/c I hadn’t gotten a good rhythm for oxygenation, coming up from chakra bandasana I almost passed out! Full-on black-out coming on- I simply stood, focused my breathing, and recovered. Never happened before, and I know it was the combination of how deep I was and the lack of good breathing. No worries. For the most part, though, the practice was good, although the right knee is still tender. I can do all the half-lotus poses without trouble except for ardha baddha padma pascimottanasana. I have no idea why that one is painful and the others are not. You’d think I’d have discomfort in Mari D, at the very least- nope! I tell you, my hip tightness is the most peculiar to exist! Yeah, right. But seriously, it’s confounded several teachers, not to mention myself. However, I’ve been able to get the things to open, so my hips are not completely inaccessible. Just a pain in the ass!

I had no problem getting up for practice this morning. I think my body is starting to absorb this rhythm finally. That’s going to be key when they pull the rug out from under us with the time change and suddenly the world is black at 6am. I hate that. Why can’t we just stay on one clock all year and allow our bodies to adjust normally? The time change is as bad or worse than our measurment system! Only the US would be so arrogant to say- “we don’t like what time it is, so we’re just going to change it!” Fortunately, as a scientist, I get to use the metric system for most of my day, so I can tolerate the lameness of the US measurements more easily for the small amount of time I have to use them. Hell, even my Vespa has a kph speedometer! I love that!

Oh, funny story! As I was leaving to come here (they haven’t figured out how to turn on the cable at the flat since it’s a new building, but I’m assured by blessed comcast that they’re working on it, and until then I’m damned to scrounge for free WiFi for my internet essentials) I realized my flat keys were not in my pocket. Shit- I had locked myself out. So, since my flat has an elevator entrance, and they haven’t changed the locks in it yet, I called my person with the developers to find out if they could find another elevator key to get me in the place. While I was waiting for him to call me back, I began the usual, “where did you see them last” reasoning. The thing was, I’d had them in the elevator on the way up, and I remembered how my hands had been full and how I was happy that I’d figured out how to put them back in my pocket in spite of that. So I felt my OTHER pocket, and there they were! I’ll be damned! It’s the old (while wearing one’s glasses) “where are my glasses” folley. Funny how in the habit of having the keys in one pocket I am. Like so much so that I don’t even THINK to look for them there in the first place. Like that pocket might as well not even exist. I loved it! Good for a laugh anyway.

So have you ever walked into a place or a situation or a person that you dreamed about previously? I have. It’s a fun experience, though a little overwhelming. When it has happened, it’s always proceeded thus: some viewing angle of wherever I am suddenly triggers the memory of the dream, which was many weeks or months prior, and whomever I’m with has to hear me babble about it for the rest of the day or night! This has all kinds of implications for dreams like I had last night. I must’ve had three separate dreams about people I’ve never seen before. At least not that I consciously remember. While most of the things and people that I dream about never occur in real life, the occasional ones that have always keep me on my toes wondering if I’m going to meet those people some day. I intentionally burn their faces into my brain so that when (if) I meet one, I’ll not forget. I’m curious how many other people experience this.

Day Off July 24, 2004

It feels great to sleep in when I only do it once a week! I can really soak it up. I slept until almost 8 this morning, and it felt great! Yeah, and we think that’s sleeping in- I’d love to see the clubber blogs…. Long breakfast, sitting next to a cool gentleman. We talked about science and then tattoos and then yoga! Very cool to meet people here. I’m still completely in the infancy of establishing friendships and building a social life. It’s difficult, and it takes a while, and it’s fun. I love having conversations with people for the first time. Everyone’s story is so unique and so surprising to me. I find people’s lives fascinating. We all carry so much with us, it’s fun to hear about some of it. Today will be a lazy day. Maybe go see a movie. Maybe go get a new book. It’s cloudy and kinda cold now, so I have no burning desire to be outside.

I want to talk about tattoos. I have three, and am planning a few more. I love seeing them on other people. There’s something rebellious about displaying tattoos in public, yet it’s becoming much more acceptable. Last night I was out to dinner with a friend and his family at a fairly nice French restaurant, and our (super-cute) waitress, dressed in black pants and black button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, had a good-sized, very cool, colorful tattoo right on the inside of her forearm in plain view. Personally I found that to be wonderful. I love it. But I didn’t used to. I wonder what has changed? I remember as a child thinking that visible tattoos were a sign of delinquency. I’m sure that was due to my parents’ influence. Society has become more innundated with tattoos, both on men and women, and the sight of them in the economy has become more normal. It seems that growing up in that social system has caused my opinions to change as well. I’d like to have my forearms done completely, more on my back, and maybe something on the sides of the ribcage. I’m sure if my mom is reading she’s going to be appalled. Sorry Mom, but that’s what I love! In any case, the expression possibilities are very appealing to me. As I’ve said before, I’m a very aesthetic person, and tattooing is just another art form making the world more beautiful. Usually. Of course there are things I don’t like, but most of what I’ve seen I do. To return to the waitress from last night, the main element that appeals to me about the scene I described was the style of the thing. It’s incredibly unexpected to see a person in that setting displaying tattoos, and that’s something great. You can be inked from head to toe, and it’s not going to effect in the slightest your ability to speak french, or recommend good wine, or be a brilliant graduate student. Now I must always remember that people who don’t agree with me are sometimes in positions of power that may have some influence over my goals. Very true. And as unfortunate as that is, it exists. But I’ve not been affected by it yet, and as a man I am fortunate that the more formal a situation becomes, the more skin gets covered by the appropriate attire. As I see it, if it doesn’t show with a long-sleeve button-down and tie, full-length pants and shoes, it’s not going to have that much impact on what I want to do in this life. Especially when one remembers how common it is to see tattoos these days. The tattoos that I have all have spiritual significance, and I expect to keep that theme going in the future. I want to incorporate more overt spiritual symbols with artistic innovation and create a wonderful series to look at. And I think tattoos on women are generally sexy. Ok, I think that covers it!

TGIF July 23, 2004

HA! I love Fridays. Even when I’m on vacation! I don’t know what it is, but it’s definitely my favorite day. I need the day off tomorrow too. I was tired this morning. I woke up to my Lazy Voice telling me to go back to bed. Glad my Commitment Voice was stronger! Today’s practice was nothing like yesterday. Everything was back to normal. Even my right knee felt basically the same today. I got my fingers about 6 inches from my heels in backbends too! I was using my prana rug today, instead of the barefoot rug, so I could see the lines where my fingers were and my heels. I can never tell where I am on the barefoot rug. Along those same lines, it’s hard to tell anything in that pose! I mean, it’s not painful, just so dang intense! Every time I’m there, I try to understand what is it about those deep backbends that are so hard. I mean, it’s not just in the back- there’s the chest, the shoulders, the illio-sacral joint, the legs, the feet…. I dunno. Maybe it’s just that- stress everywhere in the body. It’s definitely uncomfortable enough that it sucks my attention in completely! All I have the option to do is focus on the breathing, b/c it’s just too unpleasant to focus on anything else! I love backbends, though. That openness is so invigorating. The few times I’ve done second series, I loved the feeling afterwards. I totally understand Nadi Shodana! Like I’ve been plugged in to an electric socket! I can’t wait to start moving into second as a regular practice. Knees are going down fairly easy in Badda K now, it’s just that the head is so far away! Mari D is getting closer and closer. I can wrap both arms and balance on my own. Still need the adjustment to get the bind though. That’s basically all that’s keeping me in first. Says the man who two days earlier was expounding on the supposed true reasons for practicing and how there’s no hurry! HA! It’s true, I look forward to the new poses, but I also ground my ambition with the other things I mentioned.

It was crowded today. Like full, crowded. Like people practicing in the aisle space, crowded. I like it like that. The room becomes so full of energy…. But I’m also someone who couldn’t care less if I’m touching mats with the person next to me. Some people really hate having someone that close unless they’ve given explicit consent. Nothing wrong with that. I just wonder how they function when the class gets tight. I’m always hyper-aware of how close I put my mat to someone when the room isn’t full. It seems that most people lay a mat down every-other space when the room’s not full, and then only reluctantly set their mat down actually next to someone! I don’t know why that is. The room is always going to fill up anyway, so I presume it’s b/c people know who they do and don’t like to practice near. They’d rather play the odds that someone they like will set up next to them than set up next to someone they don’t like. Maybe that’s reading into it a little too much. Certainly features like where the doors and heaters are come into play, as well as being near a wall. Front or back of the class, that kind of thing. But it really is intriguing to notice where people end up. Kinda like watching where people sit in an empty room, like a lecture hall or movie theater (before the stadium seating was more interesting). In any case, I generally only care about where in the room I am when practicing. I like to be more in the center, but not close to heaters (pitta!). So I’ll put my mat right next to someone when they’re near that place. It’s a community, we’re practicing together, so why not acknowledge that and enjoy the person next to you? Or at least have a pleasant attitude about the fact that inevitably, you’ll be sweating and breathing and flying and struggling and releasing in someone’s direct company. Granted, there are more people out there like me. I like practicing next to those folks!

The other thing I tend to notice is pacing. It happens all the time when two people wind up doing the same sequence for a little while. I wonder how many people get bugged by that? Like do people find it uncomfortable or reassuring to be moving in unison with someone else? Something I notice a lot personally is that b/c I usually jump in and out of many of my poses directly, instead of going through dandasana all the time, it takes me less time to transition between poses, and therefore I can be in a pose longer than someone and still be together on the sequence. That’s really weird. I suppose I shouldn’t be noticing all this stuff and instead have more focus on my own thing. That happens too. But it’s like I mentioned the other day- new people and new environments are much harder to resist observing for me. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with THAT! I’m a scientist, for cryin out loud! My whole life is about observation! I’m a good scientist b/c I’m good at noticing small details! Well, that’s enough of that If anyone reading has similar experiences, I’d love to hear about ‘em. If there is anyone reading, have a wonderful Friday.

Out of body, out of mind July 22, 2004

I had a cool short conversation about prakriti types today after class. One of the people who is there regularly passed on a cool reference she learned from and Ayurveda person. For balancing the doshas, there’s a word for each one. Vata- consistency. Pitta- moderation. Kapha- move! I love it. So very true. A noun for the first two and a verb/command for those Kaphas! I’m about 90% Pitta, and what’s left is Vata. Though I’ve got a Vata digestive system! But man, the emotions are all Pitta, I swear. Competitive, anger that burns holes in lead when it fires up, do, do, do all the time…. It’s nice to have some time off here. I’m a few weeks into a 7 week break from my lab job in San Diego and grad school starting in Berkeley. The problem is that if I go too long without something to do, I get very anxious. I usually start making up stuff to do! I always feel the need for purpose. Anyhoo- prakriti types is something I love learning about. Ayurveda, as a medical system that incorporates variables as wide ranging as aspects of personality, sexual proclivity, hair and skin type, emotional states, build, and so many other things, is just so advanced. Coming from a scientific background, and biomedical research experience, I know a lot about what modern science does and does not know about the body. The truth about either is equally stunning! I wonder which came first- Ayurveda or Chinise Medicine. They resemble each other in a lot of ways, but Ayurveda spends much more time on the effects of the environment and food. It seems that on a scale of “folk” medicine to “western” medicine, Ayurveda is more folk, TCM more western. How I look at it is the scale of what’s being accounted for. In Ayurveda, every aspect of a person is looked at, including what time of day and year things are going on. In western medicine, all we care about is the exact local acute problem, nothing more (at least in the majority of circumstances). It seems like TCM is in between in that sense.

Yeah, so today was one of those practices where I don’t feel like I’ve ever done the poses before, they feel so different! Nothing felt familiar until about, oh, backbends! Which were open as ever. Very weird. It wasn’t as if I was especially stiff or weak, just that things felt strange. Hard to explain it. The knee is like 80% back, which is right about the point where I need to remind myself to not push it- 80% is far enough away from the injury that it’s hard to remember how serious it was, and yet still very vulnerable. 80% is where I re-injure things! When I was in San Diego, I had an afternoon practice, and so being on the morning schedule is still something I’m getting used to. I like it, so much more, but everything is kinda blurred at that point, you know? Like I’m still waking up- I guess ’cause I am! The familiar body signals are all gone, replaced by others that I’m learning. It’s like a whole different body in the morning! It’s going to be interesting to see how I’m going to do when the stress of grad school hits. Every little bit of stress demands more strictness with the diet, basically no alcohol, more sleep.

The weather has changed a little here. The sun isn’t breaking through yet, like it has the last few weeks. Cooler too. This so-cal boy is going to have his first nor-cal winter this year. I hope I don’t freeze to death! I’m such a temperature wimp. Like momma bear- not too hot, not too cold, juuuuust right!